There's a Book of Titus?!

"For the grace of God has appeard that offers salvation to all people.  It teaches us to say 'NO' to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live in self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in this present age." ~Titus 2:11-12

This was the verse of the day today, and I had to do a double check - I had no clue that the bible had a Book of Titus!  *palm-forehead*  Guess I'd better brush up on The Good Book!!! 

Either way, these are wonderful words to live by.  While part of me says "I wish I'd have stuck closer to these words this time last year!" there's the other part of me that says "You thought you were, and you thought he (who shall not be named) was The One." (foolish!)  At the time, I made a decision based on what I thought was true.  The ultimate price wasn't worth it.  Now I'm left with a 20/20 hindsight, and a lot of humble "I'm sorry's" to say, and a lot more healing left to do, for all parties involved. 

Part of that healing process for me is getting back to church on a regular basis.  It's really hard to go back to my church, a place where I still feel most at home, and not be a part of, well, anything. 

New Year's Eve I found myself at church, just wanting some one-on-one time with my buddy J.C.  I was hoping, praying that the church would be open for something and I'd be able to sneak into the sanctuary and just.... just be.  Well, I walked in to Fr. Ed asking me if I was there for mass.  HA!  Guess my prayers were answered!  The church was opened, and I'd get to spend a whole lot of time with J.C!  It wasn't alone time, but that's okay.  It was more good healing time for me.  And I saw some familiar faces who welcomed me with open arms, and I can't tell you how much that meant.  Beyond words. 

When I went to light a candle, for the many people who lost loved ones this holiday season, I realized I was doing the right things, taking the right steps, and in the right place.... someone had playfully arranged the candles, and I could see, quite evidently, that God was smiling at me.

Think... Think... Think....

I know there's people out there reading my blog, I see the stats every day...

What would you like to read about?  I've hit a bit of a dry spell & could use some suggestions....

As always, praying for you, my gentle readers!

~ Melinda <><

It Won't be the Same this Year

It hasn't been the same since... 1997? 1998?  Whatever year it was that my uncle died.  (or any of the friends & family members who have passed since then)

This time of year is always hard, there's always the stress and anxiety that we bring into the holidays - have to clean the house, have to have the food just right, the decorations just right, get the right gifts for the right person... the list goes on.  When you've lost a loved one, it gets that much harder.... I mean, you eventually get used to the every-day activities without that person there, but when the holidays hit, you can't avoid realizing that there's someone, or multiple "someones" missing from the table.

The first year we had to survive a holiday after someone had passed, this is the song that brought me peace.  I can't tell you how many times I listened to this song on repeat one, how many times I would get to church early - sometimes hours early - to pray, light a candle, and play the piano... figuring out this song by ear, and singing it over and over again.  Oddly enough, I can't seem to remember how to play it now.... *sigh*

This year, I am missing both of my grandmothers, a lot.  This year, I hurt for the girl in youth group who lost her younger sister to cancer over the summer.  This year, I cry a few tears & pray for my friend who just lost her husband, and my friend who's mother passed away, and for my other friend who was unable to attend her grandmother's funeral last weekend, and I weep for all those touched by depression, mental illness, and suicide.  This year, I pray that all of my loved ones, and their loved ones are safe and able to share another holiday season with us.  I pray that we can all feel the presence of those who have gone before us, surrounding us with their love and prayers still.  Who knows- maybe a heavy smell of roses will overwhelm you, or you might hear that bell ring when nobody's standing near the tree... little signs that it's okay to cry, okay to miss them, and okay to move on...

When you can't seem to find peace, when you don't think you can make it through another day with the absence of that person lingering, pray.  Sing, write, talk, cry, scream, vent, pray.  God understands that you're hurting, and He will help you.  He will always help you.  He understand if you need to be mad a Him for a while, and He will welcome you back in close, open arms, as soon as you're ready. 

It Won't be the Same this Year 

(again, let me know if the link doesn't work!)

by Vince Gill, album Let There Be Peace On Earth

It's time to pack our bags and hit the highway,

And head on out for Christmas holiday,

I'll fall apart when I pull in the driveway,

It's my first time home since brother passed away.

His favorite time of year was always Christmas,

We'll reminisce about the days gone by,

Oh how I wish that he was still here with us,

My memories with him will never die.

When the stockings are hung,

And Silent Night has been sung,

And Christmas is finally here,

It won't be the same this year.

Losing my big brother hurt so badly,

It's help me learn what Christmas really means,

There's nothing more important then your family,

We're all the children of the King of Kings.

When the stockings are hung,

And Silent Night has been sung,

And Christmas is finally here,

It won't be the same this year.

Counting Blessings & Little (or big!) Miracles

I tentatively share with you that I have been almost completely (almost) symptom free for the last 5-6 days!  No chest pains, no dizziness, no near-passing out, no tingling arms & legs... HURRAY! 

I really started noticing a difference after I threw up a few prayer requests to Saint Kateri Tekakwitha and Saint Therese of Lisieux.  Both of these women suffered illnesses and were determined to continue serving God despite the challenges of their conditions, and my spiritual director suggested I have a little chat with them.... spend time in prayer with them.... "breathing in the presesnce of the Holy Spirit"... That was October 30th.  I prayed & asked St Kateri & St Therese to pray with me, for me, every single day;  within nine days I started feeling better!  It wasn't any sort of official novena, by any means, but nine straight days of prayer....

Thank you, everyone, for all of your prayers - I know they are helping!  I still have to take the medication & supplements, but just being able to do... anything... without being afraid of passing out, without being in constant pain, constant fear.... AMEN.

I plan to spend some time at the Catholic book stores, I really want to find medals for Kateri & Therese, and wear them.  I don't ever want to forget that these amazing women of faith are with me every single day.

Mother, May I?

We all remember playing that game on the playground, right?  "Mother, may I ___________?" and you fill in the blank with whatever request will help get you to the finish line fastest.....

What do we ask for in our everyday self-mutterings that we think might get us to our hypothetical finish line faster than the next guy?


"Please let me make that green light" 
"Please let that car accident be on the other side of the freeway so I'm not late"
"Please let me be the next number they call"


Do you realize that, as trivial and/or exasperated as these requests might be, they're still a prayer of sorts?  Whether or not you intend to talk to God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, Mary, or any of the other Saints about what's going on in your life, when you put that up to the universe, someone's always listening. 

October is the month of the Rosary, and I challenge you to be a little more deliberate in your requests.  Make it a little more formal, put a little more thought into it (and I mean, like, 3 extra seconds - doesn't have to be a disertation!).  Ask Mary to pray for you, thank her for being with you through the day... (it's called secondary mediation, and it's the same as if I asked you to pray for me, only Mary won't forget because she's not distracted by worldly things!)  Rather than worrying about the car accident affecting your commute, say a prayer that the people involved are alright, and give thanks that it's not you!  Rather than stressing out about not making the green light, thank the Spirit for keeping you on the path that was intended for you that day.... catching on?  (sorry about the earlier typo, no- I was not speaking ubonics!)

Try to take those little irritations and ask Mary to give you the Grace to find them as little blessings in your life.  It's not easy, believe me, I struggle with it too. 

I leave you today with a Hail Mary.  Don't just breeze through it, say it like you would a conversation... "Hail Mary" is a greeting, and start from there...

Hail, Mary, full of Grace!  The Lord is with thee!
Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,
Now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

Flabby Faith & Spiritual Love Handles

I recently joined the worship team at church, and realized that I do not know many of the contemporary Christian songs... DOH!  While I enjoy the challenge of sight reading every Sunday, it's better to actually know some of the music, especially when you're on a mic in front of the congregation...  So I've been listening to the local Christian Rock station, Spirit 105.3.  While I tend to get incredibly sapped-out by some of the "feel good" stories and DJ's, and while the "family friendly sound" of the child laughing makes me think more Children of the Corn instead of Children of God, I really enjoy the music. 

Today they were talking about giving thanks, and what were callers thankful for.  And I'm not quite sure how this story ended up there, but the morning DJ was talking about someone who had been in a 2nd or 3rd world country, spreading the word of God, and when he left the people hosting him said, "We're praying for you."  He turned to them and asked, "What are you praying for?"  And they were silent... eventually, they answered him that they were praying for persecution, so he could become stronger in his faith. 

That almost seems like a completely horrible thing to do, pray for hard times so someone can become stronger!  But then the DJ said something along the lines of how, in America especially, our Faith was flabby.  Indignantly I said to myself, "Ha, my faith isn't flabby, look at the personal struggles I've survived over the last 15 years!"  But really?  I think all of us have our little flabby-faith "love handles". 

Just like any other workout, start simple- a little prayer here & there.  Start with a new routine- give thanks as you brush your teeth every morning, say a prayer for a safe commute as you buckle your seat belt.  Eventually you'll find that you don't have to remind yourself to do these things, you'll just do them.  Then step up to the next, Spiritual-Cardio.  Be there for someone else while they're having hard times... ask if you can pray with them, pray for them, and commit to doing it every single day.  Even take it a step further, see if there are any peer-support programs in your area!  By helping others to carry the load they bear, you're helping to strengthen your faith and love for God, and God's children! 

Be that spotter than helps someone lift their new max-weight on bench press - quite literally help to lighten the load on their heart!!!

Psalm 42:5-6

Why are you downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

Last night, and very early this morning, I was wide awake - from 11pm until almost 2am.  Something just didn't sit right, something felt off... I still can't quite put my finger on it, except that maybe I'm fearing that certain situations might leave me vulnerable. 

In looking for solace, peace of mind, and something to turn off my brain from reeling through a million questions, I got out my trusty bible verse app on my phone & started flipping through the random verses.  Just like I was saying yesterday, psalms-it-is! 

These verses are pretty much a conversation with your soul, telling it to chill out- God's got it under control.  Now, does that mean that I fell asleep within seconds of reading this?  Nope.  But it did mean that I was able to direct the spinning thoughts in my brain down a different, more relaxing, less anxiety-filled path that eventually led me into a well-rested sleep. 

Here is Psalm 42, in its entirety:
for the director of music- a maskil of the Sons of Korah.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? 
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God
for I will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan
the heights of Hermon- from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the Lord directs his love,
at night His song is with me-
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God.

Strength in Weakness

2 Corinthians 12:19 "...My power is made perfect in weakness..."  That's one translation- and I must say, a much less confusing or conflicting translation than what I grew up hearing, something about how God's power is made stronger in our weakness.... I always hated the way that made me feel.  I hated that the bible asked us to be weak, made it sound like God glorified in it, that He was rejoicing that we were so powerless....

But now, looking at it, and reading the whole context around 2 Corinth 12:19, I see things a little bit differently:

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest in me.

I love it.  I LOVE IT! 

But how do you explain this to someone who hasn't felt Christ's Love, who hasn't felt God's power surging through every bit of their being?  How do you say, "I know it sucks right now, and nothing makes sense, but if you trust the Holy Spirit- yes, this invisible mist-of-a-travel-guide, the Spirit will pray for you when you don't know the words!" (Romans 2:26)  How do you explain Faith to someone who feels like the World has slammed the door on their hand, trapping them there with pain throbbing?

I pray.  I pray that the Lord uses their heart as a conduit even if they don't realize it, and that they feel the Spirit moving in them. 

Pray.  Trust that the Holy Spirit knows what prayer you need....

365 Days of Prayer

For anyone who reads my personal blog, I was wondering what to do for 365 days.  I've heard of people doing 365 days of photos, interviews, recipes, etc... I am going to do 365 days of prayer!  Starting 01/28/12, I am praying for the same person every day - without telling that person.  Sort of an experiment, just to see how the Holy Spirit will work in their life, how they might grow over the next year! 

In the past, I've silently prayed for friends to find God- it took almost 5 years, but they got there!  When I was in college there was a guy on the baseball team who was just a real jerk.... I prayed for him every day for 30 days and by the last week he was actually brining his bible out in the dugout and on road trips- what an amazing turn around!  I'm really excited to see what an intense year of prayer will do!!!

Maybe I will tell the person, maybe I won't... we'll see.  Day 4 down, 361 to go!