... I thought life was good. I was actively involved in my church's youth ministries and music ministries. I was helping to plan the senior high retreat and confirmation mass, and was asked to be confirmation sponsor for a fantastic young man who was the perfect confirmande, and I had a (lying, cheating, abusive, ex)boyfriend who I thought loved me. We all know where I am now, nothing left from everything that was so right just 12 months ago. (except a few friends who help to define "unconditional love" and my family. These people make me cry just thinking about how much they love me, and how they helped me to stay strong while I heal my brokenness)
This month, particularly the end of December and beginning of January, has been particularly trying.
I've been finding comfort in the company of a few choice people, and some great God-songs. Take My Hand, by The Kry, and Draw Me Close, from the Ultimate Worship Collection. Literally, listening to these two songs on repeat one for the last few weeks, and it's amazing - no matter how angry, upset, hurt, frustrated, I am, when these songs come on, everything just melts away.
I'm just on my break right now, I can't access any of the media sharing websites to hyperlink these songs right now, but do yourself a favor & look 'em up. Download them. They will make you feel so much better - even if you don't think you're feeling poorly, you'd be amazed at how much these words help and heal!
Friday, January 3, 2014
"For the grace of God has appeard that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say 'NO' to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live in self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in this present age." ~Titus 2:11-12
This was the verse of the day today, and I had to do a double check - I had no clue that the bible had a Book of Titus! *palm-forehead* Guess I'd better brush up on The Good Book!!!
Either way, these are wonderful words to live by. While part of me says "I wish I'd have stuck closer to these words this time last year!" there's the other part of me that says "You thought you were, and you thought he (who shall not be named) was The One." (foolish!) At the time, I made a decision based on what I thought was true. The ultimate price wasn't worth it. Now I'm left with a 20/20 hindsight, and a lot of humble "I'm sorry's" to say, and a lot more healing left to do, for all parties involved.
Part of that healing process for me is getting back to church on a regular basis. It's really hard to go back to my church, a place where I still feel most at home, and not be a part of, well, anything.
New Year's Eve I found myself at church, just wanting some one-on-one time with my buddy J.C. I was hoping, praying that the church would be open for something and I'd be able to sneak into the sanctuary and just.... just be. Well, I walked in to Fr. Ed asking me if I was there for mass. HA! Guess my prayers were answered! The church was opened, and I'd get to spend a whole lot of time with J.C! It wasn't alone time, but that's okay. It was more good healing time for me. And I saw some familiar faces who welcomed me with open arms, and I can't tell you how much that meant. Beyond words.
When I went to light a candle, for the many people who lost loved ones this holiday season, I realized I was doing the right things, taking the right steps, and in the right place.... someone had playfully arranged the candles, and I could see, quite evidently, that God was smiling at me.