What am I Doing? ... Be Not Afraid...

 Last weekend, Father was there when I noticed the Christ-light candle was burning low, and I commented that we would be needing a new one soon, likely before the masses for the day were done. He looked at me and grinned and told me to have faith, that the candle could last through mass, "you never know..."

How ironic. Here I was getting ready to take a huge leap of faith for me, leave everything that I knew to be safe and secure, and go help in a situation where these children had been more brave than I ever thought I could be. They had taken a bigger risk than many people will ever need to take, leaving their homes, their families, and traveling hundreds or even thousands of miles by any means possible to go to a country where they may or may not speak the language, all in the hope that they may find a better life... but I couldn't have faith that a flame would last a few more hours? 

And so I let it burn....

Leslie and I prepared for mass, I picked Be Not Afraid as a prelude since it's a favorite that everyone knows and loves, and we didn't have anything else prepared... sometimes it's nice to take the easy road at 7:30am! 

7:55 rolls around, she starts to play, and I begin to read the words.... 

"You shall cross the barren desert, but you shall not die of thirst.

You shall wander far in safety, though you do not know the way.

You shall speak your words in foreign lands and all will understand.

You shall see the face of God and live.

Be not afraid, I go before you always.

Come, follow me, and I will give you rest...."

I lost it. I absolutely lost it. I tried to pull it together for the second verse, but every single word seemed more and more applicable to the situation I was preparing to face at the border. By the time I got to the refrain after the second verse, I was sobbing. I looked at Leslie from my covid-mandated 15 feet away and said "I just can't..." and I sat back in my little alcove, sobbing, trying to pull myself together before mass started. She graciously continued to play a beautiful piano arrangement of the tune, and by 8am, people were none-the-wiser. 

I sang with my rosary around my neck the rest of that Sunday. 

The prayer candle needed to be replaced between masses. 

Faith and logic split the difference that day.