Guitar 3, Melinda 0

This photo speaks volumes- these are the broken strings that started my night, one of which snapped back and lashed me across the top of my hand!

You know it's never good when you've got a pair of pliers with your music journal... or when you need both the pliers and a nail file to string your guitar for the second time in an hour. (courtesy of the broken strings, shown above)

Here is how I ended up tying off the ends, since the kid at the music store- who played the sax, not guitar and sold me the first set of strings that were too short and snapped- gave me a set of nylon strings, which was very kind of him. They were, however, plain ended strings. As you can see by the photo below, my guitar is not like standard acoustics, and the saddle & bridge are separated. This makes tying the knots on the plain strings particularly challenging, along with the fact that it makes it a necesity to have LONG strings... Long strings that don't slip and untie like the stinkin' nylon strings do! (this is where the pliers and the nail file come in) I can't tell you how many times the strings would slip out, sending the screws from the "Bone Yard" (aka the saddle) flying all over the room.

This evening was highly frustrating. I was thinking about playing the guitar all day today. My plan was to re-string it with cursed steel strings- figured I'd learn it right to start with- and then I was going to master F#m. As it is now, the nylon strings are definitely easier to hold in the correct position for F#m, but they won't hold a tune for nothin'- by the time I'm done tuning the last string, the first one is about 3 whole steps flat again!

~

Finding my way back to the Path is not meant to be easy. While this evening with the guitar is more comical than not, the entire time I kept thinking "God is not always easy, it's a struggle to find Faith and keep it. This is only the beginning for you, Melinda." How true is that?!

I also found out tonight that one of my dear friend's cousins was killed in a motorcycle accident this past weekend. Saturday night/Sunday morning, while his body shutting down, I wept. No idea why, but I did- I had to- and I prayed for peace and healing- didn't know who it was for, just knew that someone needed it. It was really hard though, because a few of us were sleeping over at a friend's house & I didn't want to wake anyone up.

Another soul-cry. Two in two weeks. I tried to ignore it on Saturday, chalked it up to a sleep-deprived, emotional female moment, but it wouldn't go away. (maybe this is why I had such weird dreams that led to me being terrified of critters on the back deck at 4am?) *sigh*

It's so hard to have these, but I know that God uses me to help those who really and truely need it. I just pray that I can be strong enough when I'm needed. Somehow I need to find my own set of pliers to hold me in place, a nail file to tighten the knot that holds everything together... right now I feel like I'm about to slip back through that hole & send the screws in the "Bone Yard" flying.

Be Inspired.

I have so much to say, but don't know how to let it out, where to start.

First off... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Going through a bunch of old stuff, I found my old artwork and writing... I didn't realize how much I missed those creative outlets until I was there, looking at what I used to do. I need to get back to writing, back to drawing... painting... playing piano... and now the guitar as well.

This is a very challenging path for me to walk right now, because so much of my joy and my pain that I feel in my soul is expressed through these talents God's given. Since I made the choice to not major in music, I have felt a little twinge of guilt about denying others- and myself- the full extent of the talents I have. I thought that with a minor in Studio Arts, I'd be able to continue sharing, but as more people broke my heart, they stole a piece of my heart, a piece of my soul, a piece of my joy that inspired me- to the point where I haven't been able to allow myself to access any of those creative outlets- if and when I do, I end up crying, sobbing, feeling all of that pain that caused me to seal myself off all over again.

I am choosing to change this! I can't keep living in fear of my own feelings, my own emotions, my own healing process. There have been particular people who have really helped to inspire and encourage me in beginning this journey, and I pray for you all, thanking God for bringing you into my life. (and like I said after that first night, my mom thanks you too! :-) She's so excited that I'm playing piano again!)

There are 24 songs I'm going to learn on keyboard and/or guitar. I dug out my sketch books and will be picking those up from my parents' house this week. Swing dancing, singing jazz songs, photography, and drawing little cards have been only the very tippy top of what lies deep down inside... I'm sorry that I've been cheating all of you!

Hold me to this!!! Don't allow me to not be inspired!!!

Second ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I believe that the above will help me with my Soul Cries. I know that the conversations I've had with some of my friends recently has helped me to gain new perspective, and it really does help to know that I'm not alone. For so long, that has been my biggest fear and hardest hurdle- being alone, feeling like I'm alone, not having anyone who really and truely understands what I mean when I say "I know how it feels..."

Again, I thank God for bringing our paths together, you are such a blessing in my life.

There have been a lot of people who have helped me to get to this place, and you are the ones who are inspiring me.

I Hate to Say It, but I TOLD YOU SO!

Last weekend, or was it the weekend before??? Jo Ann and I were talking about God, Faith, religion, etc, and I did my best to explain my "Soul Cries". I realized then that it sounds so silly when I verbalize my logic behind so many things in avoiding church and such! Jo didn't realize just how much she was calling my bluff on it, because as I said it outloud instead of journaling or blogging, it sounded so juvenile! When we got back home, she prompted me to share my story with another friend there, which completely took me by surprise.

I liked her logic though- "I know him, I know you, and while you don't know each other well, I know you both, and know this needs to be shared."

So I shared, we all shared a little bit, and I acknowledged within myself, within my soul, that I was going to make the effort to open myself back up... Jo even had us pull Medicine Cards and I turned the Beaver.... very fitting.

(here comes the "I told you so" part)

In the past when I've closed myself off from the Spirit, I've justified it as a self defence mechanism against these cursed-compassionate Soul Cries. I am bound and determined not to let this keep me closed off anymore!!! Last night I had one. I didn't know who for, I didn't know why, I just knew I had to pray, and pray hard. It had me all distraught, and it felt very deep, very heavy, and very solemn. By the time I went to bed, I was convinced I had an army of angels praying with me, and when I woke up today, I could feel the lingering presence, the depth of the dark burning, the intensity of channeling the Spirit with such great force. I did my best to shake the feeling by listening to Bing Crosby, because- well- who doesn't melt when they hear that man sing!

When I got to the office today I walked right back into that intensity. One of the women in my office passed away Thursday morning, very unexpectedly. She'd been working in the office since March 1978- that's longer than I've been alive! I feel at peace about it, which is surprising, but I feel the intensity of everyone else's pain in the office. The thought of going to the funeral makes me hide inside myself because I know that I'll feel all of everyone's pain, but I really feel like I should be there because I have so much experience in grieving, and so much experience helping others find their way on the path through grief to healing.

Hmm... perhaps it's time to stop being selfish and hiding inside myself. Saying "I told you so" doesn't really fit right, but it's true- I always say to my journal that as soon as I open my heart back up to the Spirit, something happens and a Soul Cry hits me right down to my core.

Jo had talked about how- while having a support system is important- I need to be able to find the strength inside myself... I just don't know how to do it! I'm a networker, I like to talk to others, get their take on the situation, how they would handle it- or have handled it- and build my framework from there. Trying to build it alone hasn't worked so far, and trying to find support in building my self-sufficient support system hasn't helped either, because I haven't been able to find anyone who can really and truely understand what I experience. Fr Jack, I think, had the closest understanding of it... but he advised me to seek counsel from a spiritual guide, and all Sister Joan did was tell me it sounded like I had a good start on my own...

Somehow I need to embrace the concept of modern mysticism and build up from there. I just wish I had someone to lean on every now and then...