As December starts and reflection of the last year begins, it's been a freaking hard year. So many challenges, so many people dealing with unimaginable tragedies, untimely passing of loved ones, diagnoses of terminal illnesses, life changing events - I can't even begin to lay it all out! Don't get me wrong - there were some AMAZING memories made, lots of friends and family and good times and laughter and love! But there were also some devastating, soul crushing things that came about and are still very, very prevalent.
I got to a point where I found I couldn't really even cry anymore.... I feel the sorrow, the pain, the emotions and actions are still appropriate, but no tears come out. Have I cried myself dry? Were my prayers for compartmentalization and ease in coping with life answered? My friend even gave me one an "emergency xanax"... I keep it in a pill box in my purse, with my other meds, which happens to also be with my rosary. I will probably never take it, as 1)It's not my prescription and 2)I would be terrified of any sort of interaction with my meds.... but it's the thought that counts, for sure! ;-)
The last straw for me, the kick in the teeth, sucker punch in the gut, was finding out that my baby, my 9 year old pitbull Brynleigh, the doggo I adopted at 8 weeks old, has a mast cell tumor.... a mast cell tumor, just like the MCT that led to Stanley's death 10 years ago. On top of everything else that's happened this year, my dog has now been given a terminal ticket. Luckily it is a low-grade tumor, but it still means some big changes.
I did cry some at that.... I do cry.... the pain I felt when Stanley screamed "mamaaaa" and collapsed in my arms, that memory is burned in my memory. The idea of Brynleigh ever getting so sick that it gets to the point where she needs to be put down... Jesus and xanax might just do the trick for me...
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