Friday, April 20, 2012

Feeling Mortal

Just a quick note today about how very mortal we are...

I have a "sometimes" heart condition, where I randomly experience lone-bouts of A-fib and PSVT.  Basically, it means my heart races reguarly (PSVT) or irregularly (A-fib), anywhere from 100 bpm to 250 bpm.  It usually happens only once or twice every 4-6 months or so, but it has been happening off and on for the last 2 weeks now, and it has me a little freaked out. 

A little?  Well, that's an understatement, for sure!  It has me a lot-freaked out.  It's my heart!  Without a properly functioning heart, life changes, as we know it.  I find that I'm starting to make decisions based on the fear of what would happen if my heart decides to have another episode... I mean, it may or may not cramp up and start racing--- right now, 20 minutes from now, 3 hours from now, or this coming September! 

"To live in fear is a life half lived.".... hm... never heard that before, right? (note: sarcasm)  But seriously- yes, living with the fear that this heart thing will happen again is making me feel like I need to make wiser decisions, but if I don't make my decisions with my heart in mind, what if I only get to live half of my life? 

I hate it.  I hate feeling this vulnerable.  It doesn't help that the song stuck in my head when I woke up this morning (yes, I wake up singing quite often) was "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry.  Now- I don't think I will be dying young, and I surely hope I don't, but fear is fear.... it has a funny way of presenting itself.

I apologize- today didn't end up being so much words of inspiration, but a sharing of an honest, raw, fear, and I ask that you, my gentle readers, please pray for me. 

1 comment:

Sara said...

I can only imagine how scary it must be. Hugs from me.