Every morning, on the way into work, I try to listen to Sacred Heart Radio AM 1050. Sometimes it comes in crystal clear, sometimes I get a sports talk show, and sometimes I get a spanish talk show... it's kind of a game. Yesterday, 03/25/10, was the Feast of the Annunciation, and the radio was coming in clear.... Dr. Tom Curran was talking about Mary's Yes, and what that means. Then he asked the listeners "where will your "yes" take you?"
My answer - Norway! As Holy Week approaches, I am preparing for a trip to Oslo, Norway. One of my good friends from PLU is becoming Catholic and she asked that I be her sponsor. Of course I said "YES!" I was so honored and humbled to be asked.
Of course, there's a lot more to that "yes" than trans-Atlantic travel and 14 hours on a plane next week. It means being in a right place to communicate with God again. It means going to church- not only mass, but services during Holy Week- again. It means celebrating- with genuine joy of spirit- without a particular person. It means opening myself to receive Soul Cries again. And I think I can do it.
For the last 4 weeks I have been trying to get in touch with the priests at my local church, wanting to discuss a few things before standing up to sponsor someone else in their faith-journey. Unfortunately, it's been a game of phone tag. When I was finally able to speak to one of them, he said it'd probably be better for me to speak with the head priest, my situation was more the other one's area of expertise. (I sort of expect that reaction now... it seems when I talk to someone about my issues with faith, which are Soul Cries and that one person, that's usually the reaction I get... the depth of what I experience scares people.) Last night I was really hurt by the fact that I can't seem to find someone who believes my situation is a priority during their preparation for Holy Week. (yes, that is supposed to sound a little sarcastic- I mean, really, who I am?!) Why do I have to bear this burden ALONE?! But then I started to think about what Dr Curran had said, about how Mary said "YES" without anyone to stand by her, she had faith that God would get her through.
While I would still like to talk to someone, because I think it will be a HUGE step in the healing process for me, I am going to challenge myself to have the faith that Mary did... Even in Norway, God will get me through. Of course, I pray to God that I don't have a complete emotional-sobbying break down during mass, and I pray to God that I don't have any Soul Cries while I'm thousands of miles away from home, but- like before- when the Spirit needs me to pray for someone, I'll know. (But please, God, if you're going to give me someone's pain, can I please ease into it first? Just a little eensie-weensie twinge... no major events, okay? For once, work with me on this, let me work in baby steps this time)
I still need to talk to someone, this I know.... but WHO?
If I'm going to break down the wall that I've worked so hard to protect myself, built between me and God, that means that more Soul Cries and more empathic experiences will happen. It's already started with the whole feeling-someone-else's-pain bit, this last week has been so emotional for me at work- each claimant's fears weigh so heavy on my heart... *sigh* [enter: FEAR] I am still afraid that I am not strong enough to be the intermediary to God, the chanel in which the Spririt travels to reach so many...
I am praying and hoping to find my strength in Mary, in her "yes".