Tuesday, December 30, 2014


This is the most amazing song.  It really speaks a lot to what I've been feeling, especially after losing my beloved pet so suddenly, so tragically.  I know one could say that Stanley was 'just a dog', but he was anything BUT just a dog to me.  He was my calm.  There's a magnate I have at my desk at work, it says:

Peace.  It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

Stanley was that for me.  He brought me peace.  I know that Brynleigh, my new pup, will get there eventually, but I'm still angry at how Stanley was taken from me.  There was no peacefully falling asleep in my arms, he screamed and cried "mama!" before collapsing.... And I really just can't find peace after that.... And I think that's why I've had such an incredible disconnect from feeling God's presence.  I've allowed the anger to close things off.  And that's grief.  That's mourning.  I know that I will eventually get over it. 

Last night on my way home from work I heard the song "Held" by Natalie Grant... It is an absolutely beautiful song, and the chorus just made me weep. 

Enjoy. Keep tissues handy. (please let me know if the link doesn't work)

I miss Stanley every single moment of every single day, with every cell of my being.  Sometimes I hug my little Brynleigh as she snuggles up on my chest and it just makes me cry because she's not him.  And I know she's not, I didn't get another dog to be Stanley, or replace Stanley, it's just that I think my heart will always ache for Stanley.  I ask St. Francis to pray for me, for healing, every night.... and on most days I make it through crying less than the day before, silent tears, in private (mostly)....

This is how it feels to be held when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive....

No comments: