Sunday, April 21, 2013

My God-Shaped Hole

A few "Quests" ago, some of the Life Teen members presented to the kids about how we all have a God-shaped hole in our hearts, our souls, and God is just waiting to fill it for us, make us feel whole again.... It was wonderful, the way it was presented, and I think it really made an impact on the kids - I know it did on me!

Well, I have a hole, but it's not necessarily God-shaped.  It's St.Stephen's-shaped.  It's been a little over two months since I was asked to no longer participate in the ministries on which I served because of a life choice that I made.  I've talked a little about this, but not a lot.

I wasn't sure how to process it.  I'm still not.  There's not a way to fix it.... I am not going back on my choice, to live with my boyfriend.  I love him.  I love his daughter.  We are planning the rest of our lives together.  It finally feels right, to be in love with someone who loves me back, who has been the answer to my prayers, and I can see how God's working in our lives!

I don't feel an absence of God, by any means.  I do feel an absence of the St. Stephen's community.  I still wake up every Sunday wondering what songs we're singing at mass, then have to remind myself that there is no more "we" singing songs.  I wonder what the youth group is doing, hoping that kids are still coming after confirmation, praying that the core team is still able to reach out, spread God's message to those who need it most.  And then there's the core team and the worship team.  I miss them terribly.  Some of them might not realize just how much.  That's what makes me sad, that I lost those friendships, that fellowship.  They are in the throws of planning the Spring Quest for junior high, and I've been praying for them lots.  It makes me sad, that I'm not there, that I'm not able to help find ways to bring God to the teens.

Hmmm... there's a lot of "I" in this post.... but it's about how I feel, so I'm okay with that.

So, yes.... where did I leave off in my thoughts.... ???  My St. Stephen's-shaped hole.  I don't know how to fix it.  I can't ask them to take me back, because I'm still living in sin, in their eyes.  I don't feel sorry for my choice, so I can't confess & be forgiven... *sigh*  Does that mean that I can't come back?  Ever?  I don't know.

There is no answer, not that I can find right now.  I keep praying & asking others to pray for me too.  For healing, mostly, to patch up that hole.  My mom keeps asking me if I've gone to church again, try different churches, and I have the intention to do so, but maybe I'm not ready just yet... I think I'm still mourning the loss of what I had and loved at St. Stephens.  And part of me feels like I can't.  I'm still choosing to live "in sin".  No matter how accepting someone says their faith may be, that's what it boils down to.  Besides - I'd hate to open myself up to another community, to let them in, and then be asked to leave for being a sinner.

I've asked that God use His glorious presence in my life to fill the void.  I'm not quite ready to thank God for any unanswered prayers just yet, so I'm going to keep asking.

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