There's a Book of Titus?!

"For the grace of God has appeard that offers salvation to all people.  It teaches us to say 'NO' to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live in self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in this present age." ~Titus 2:11-12

This was the verse of the day today, and I had to do a double check - I had no clue that the bible had a Book of Titus!  *palm-forehead*  Guess I'd better brush up on The Good Book!!! 

Either way, these are wonderful words to live by.  While part of me says "I wish I'd have stuck closer to these words this time last year!" there's the other part of me that says "You thought you were, and you thought he (who shall not be named) was The One." (foolish!)  At the time, I made a decision based on what I thought was true.  The ultimate price wasn't worth it.  Now I'm left with a 20/20 hindsight, and a lot of humble "I'm sorry's" to say, and a lot more healing left to do, for all parties involved. 

Part of that healing process for me is getting back to church on a regular basis.  It's really hard to go back to my church, a place where I still feel most at home, and not be a part of, well, anything. 

New Year's Eve I found myself at church, just wanting some one-on-one time with my buddy J.C.  I was hoping, praying that the church would be open for something and I'd be able to sneak into the sanctuary and just.... just be.  Well, I walked in to Fr. Ed asking me if I was there for mass.  HA!  Guess my prayers were answered!  The church was opened, and I'd get to spend a whole lot of time with J.C!  It wasn't alone time, but that's okay.  It was more good healing time for me.  And I saw some familiar faces who welcomed me with open arms, and I can't tell you how much that meant.  Beyond words. 

When I went to light a candle, for the many people who lost loved ones this holiday season, I realized I was doing the right things, taking the right steps, and in the right place.... someone had playfully arranged the candles, and I could see, quite evidently, that God was smiling at me.

Psalm 34:18

As the holidays are drawing near, I am even more painfully aware that I am single and working on the "getting out there" part of post-break up-life. 

It's hard.  It sucks.  I have gone back to church a few times, my old church, the mass where I felt my faith-community was, but it's not the same.... I feel like I've got a scarlet letter on my chest, like I've grown horns at my temples, and from some people, I most definitely feel the proverbial cold shoulder. 

Don't get me wrong, others have welcomed me back with incredibly open arms and hearts that needed healing, both theirs and mine, and it was absolutely wonderful... but I still feel like I no longer belong. 

Today's verse of the day is Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." 

I don't necessarily feel entirely broken hearted, but there are pieces and parts of my heart that are certainly and indefinitely broken.  I don't feel like my soul is decemated, but there are corners that still need to be held, comforted, and nurtured back to its fullest state of being.  Not only regarding people from church, but other people in my circle of friends.  And I know, I know in my heart of hearts, that they're hurt by some of the happenings over the last 12 months, and it is a time for all of us to learn together, how to comfort one another, heal and move forward.   Knowing God is holding me close, even the tiny broken bits of heart & soul that I hide from everyone but myself, helps me to take that next step...

Understanding How to Heal

By now, we've all heard about the Colorado movie theater masacre.  I try to actually not watch the news much or read all the commentary about why someone did something so horrible.  Doesn't matter, it's still horrible. 

Dozens of peoples lives were changed, and they will never, ever be the same.  Ever.  But slowly, eventually, they will begin to heal, and find that it's either easier or harder than they thought it would be.... everyone heals differently.  Everyone processes things at different rates, in different ways.  There's no formula.  It's not like a recipe. 

The most important thing to realize is that every single feeling and emotion that you go through in this process is valid.  It took a long time for me to accept this, when I had to learn how to heal after losing so many loved ones in my life. 

"Healing does not mean going back to the way things were, but rather, allowing what is now to move us closer to God." ~Ram Daas.