My God-Shaped Hole

A few "Quests" ago, some of the Life Teen members presented to the kids about how we all have a God-shaped hole in our hearts, our souls, and God is just waiting to fill it for us, make us feel whole again.... It was wonderful, the way it was presented, and I think it really made an impact on the kids - I know it did on me!

Well, I have a hole, but it's not necessarily God-shaped.  It's St.Stephen's-shaped.  It's been a little over two months since I was asked to no longer participate in the ministries on which I served because of a life choice that I made.  I've talked a little about this, but not a lot.

I wasn't sure how to process it.  I'm still not.  There's not a way to fix it.... I am not going back on my choice, to live with my boyfriend.  I love him.  I love his daughter.  We are planning the rest of our lives together.  It finally feels right, to be in love with someone who loves me back, who has been the answer to my prayers, and I can see how God's working in our lives!

I don't feel an absence of God, by any means.  I do feel an absence of the St. Stephen's community.  I still wake up every Sunday wondering what songs we're singing at mass, then have to remind myself that there is no more "we" singing songs.  I wonder what the youth group is doing, hoping that kids are still coming after confirmation, praying that the core team is still able to reach out, spread God's message to those who need it most.  And then there's the core team and the worship team.  I miss them terribly.  Some of them might not realize just how much.  That's what makes me sad, that I lost those friendships, that fellowship.  They are in the throws of planning the Spring Quest for junior high, and I've been praying for them lots.  It makes me sad, that I'm not there, that I'm not able to help find ways to bring God to the teens.

Hmmm... there's a lot of "I" in this post.... but it's about how I feel, so I'm okay with that.

So, yes.... where did I leave off in my thoughts.... ???  My St. Stephen's-shaped hole.  I don't know how to fix it.  I can't ask them to take me back, because I'm still living in sin, in their eyes.  I don't feel sorry for my choice, so I can't confess & be forgiven... *sigh*  Does that mean that I can't come back?  Ever?  I don't know.

There is no answer, not that I can find right now.  I keep praying & asking others to pray for me too.  For healing, mostly, to patch up that hole.  My mom keeps asking me if I've gone to church again, try different churches, and I have the intention to do so, but maybe I'm not ready just yet... I think I'm still mourning the loss of what I had and loved at St. Stephens.  And part of me feels like I can't.  I'm still choosing to live "in sin".  No matter how accepting someone says their faith may be, that's what it boils down to.  Besides - I'd hate to open myself up to another community, to let them in, and then be asked to leave for being a sinner.

I've asked that God use His glorious presence in my life to fill the void.  I'm not quite ready to thank God for any unanswered prayers just yet, so I'm going to keep asking.

Grateful Photos

I know it's a little late, but here's the collage-of-sorts for my lenten thanksgivings!  If I was cool enough to take the time & figure it out, I'd hyperlink each one of these to tell you a little about each one, but I'm not that cool.  If you follow me on FB, you can go there, I have a little blurbs about each one.  All-in-all, it was so much fun to share the big and little thanks with people every day, I find myself still snapping a photo every now and then & saying a quick prayer for the moment of thanksgiving.

3000!

Just another quick shout-out to my loyal readers, thank you for sticking with me.  Tid-bits of Inspiration has hit 3000 views, on an international level! 

Who's with us, as of today? 

United States
Russia
Ukraine
Germany
Norway
Sweden
United Kingdom
China
Canada
Japan

... to name a few...

I'm working on getting my lenten photos together, I can't wait to share them all with you. *grin*

Grateful - Lenten Photos - Stay Tuned!

Usually I try to post something regularly during Lent, this year I've been having problems with blogger allowing me to post photos whenever I try, so I'm going to put all the "Grateful Photos" into a collage and post them after Easter.

Please, keep watching!  If you're on facebook, you can find them there...

Blessings to you!

Counting Your Blessings, Not Crying Over Spilled Milk

So, for those of you who don't follow me on fb, I'm wearing a heart monitor again.  Joy.  I've been whining about it since I got it yesterday - it itches, it pinches, it's annoying, I get tangled in the cords, it leaves little round rashes that make it look like I've been wrestling with an octopus....

And then today I found out that a dear, sweet, sweet friend from college had a mastectomy yesterday.  I found this out when I went to her fb page to wish her a happy birthday today.  That's one hell of a birthday gift - let me take your boob to try to save your life.... ??? 

Makes me realize that I should be thanking God every single day that I have to wear this heart monitor, that it's not something worse.  Yes, it's my heart, but it's nothing fatal.  It's inconvenient, but I don't have to have anything cut off or cut out, I don't have to undergo any major medical treatments - although ablation is something that I would do if it was proven to work. 

Two of the sweetest people I knew in college have faught cancer so far.  Crystal is a survivor, an author, an amazing woman of God, and she and her husband are raising three wonderful boys and work in youth ministry world wide.  Becky just had her surgery yesterday, and has dedicated her life to service through LDS, her passion is bringing the Word to the far corners of the world. 

Compared to cancer, my inappropriate heart is something that I will give thanks for, and use my energy that I've been spending on complaining to pray for those less fortunate. 

Both ladies blogs are public, so please, take a peak, and say a prayer.

Someone Else's Food for Thought

Please, take the time to read this post... a few times... and reflect upon it.

Worthless or Worthwhile?

"God measures my worth by the love in my heart, the prayer on my lips, the faith deep within, the hope that never fails, the sufferings patiently endured and offered to God.  These are priceless.  These make a person worth more than the flowers in the fields, the birds in the air.... What is the treasure my heart really seeks?"

This is one of the snippets from the Lenten prayer book they handed out at church on Ash Wednesday...

Hm... Church... the very place I love to be... the institution, the community which I devoted 3-4 nights a week for almost the last two years.... has turned me away because I am a sinner.  It broke my heart - still breaks my heart.  And yet, as I said to my mom after it happened six short (but oh-so-long!) days ago, I have been hurt by people using Faith to justify their actions before, and while it is hard not to have a church, a home, a faith community, I have not lost my Faith.  I still have unconditional love in my heart.  I still have prayer on my lips.  I still have faith deep within - deeper than anyone but God could even begin to understand.  I am still a person worthy of love, of hope, of joy. 

The treasure my heart truly seeks is to be right with God, and I don't feel that my relationship with Him has been compromised at all, if anything, it has been strengthened.

I pray for anyone who has been judged, for anyone who has judged, and for anyone who feels they are less-than-worthy of God's love.  God loves you NO MATTER WHAT, as long as you love Him.