"Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid."
Quite fitting words for what's facing me right now. A lot of journaling, a lot of prayer, but no words that are ready for sharing, not just yet. There are snippets and post-it sized thoughts, but nothing that flows the way I want to have it flow for you.
I'm still having heart issues, met with cardiology yesterday, have some more tests coming up in the next few weeks, and then another appointment with cardiology to go over results and "next steps" as far as medication, management, etc.
I am praying for all of you, that the Word and His message reach you through whatever chanels I am able to provide. Hopefully you feel Him in your day-to-day routines, busy hustle through out the day, and especially in the silence of your own heart.
Like the song says, "Be still".
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Spiritual Silence? Forget About It! But for now....
It's been a looooong while since I've written... for those of you who have been readers for the last few years, I'm sure you've seen the trend- I go through slumps where words just don't move me. It doesn't mean the Spirit isn't moving inside me- in fact the Spirit has been doing some pretty amazing work in my life lately, AMEN! But that's not to say there haven't been challenges....
Right now I'm having some medical issues that have left me with little-to-no energy most of the day, and it has to do with my heart. It's been about almost two weeks of the medicine - which is a temporary solution - and I'm just now feeling like myself again! *heavy sigh* Please, say a little prayer that this resolves soon, because I miss being ME!
Today's quote of the day that greeted me is what I will leave you with today:
"I prefer you make mistakes in kindness than work miracles in unkindness." ~Mother Teresa.
Right now I'm having some medical issues that have left me with little-to-no energy most of the day, and it has to do with my heart. It's been about almost two weeks of the medicine - which is a temporary solution - and I'm just now feeling like myself again! *heavy sigh* Please, say a little prayer that this resolves soon, because I miss being ME!
Today's quote of the day that greeted me is what I will leave you with today:
"I prefer you make mistakes in kindness than work miracles in unkindness." ~Mother Teresa.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Feeling Mortal
Just a quick note today about how very mortal we are...
I have a "sometimes" heart condition, where I randomly experience lone-bouts of A-fib and PSVT. Basically, it means my heart races reguarly (PSVT) or irregularly (A-fib), anywhere from 100 bpm to 250 bpm. It usually happens only once or twice every 4-6 months or so, but it has been happening off and on for the last 2 weeks now, and it has me a little freaked out.
A little? Well, that's an understatement, for sure! It has me a lot-freaked out. It's my heart! Without a properly functioning heart, life changes, as we know it. I find that I'm starting to make decisions based on the fear of what would happen if my heart decides to have another episode... I mean, it may or may not cramp up and start racing--- right now, 20 minutes from now, 3 hours from now, or this coming September!
"To live in fear is a life half lived.".... hm... never heard that before, right? (note: sarcasm) But seriously- yes, living with the fear that this heart thing will happen again is making me feel like I need to make wiser decisions, but if I don't make my decisions with my heart in mind, what if I only get to live half of my life?
I hate it. I hate feeling this vulnerable. It doesn't help that the song stuck in my head when I woke up this morning (yes, I wake up singing quite often) was "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry. Now- I don't think I will be dying young, and I surely hope I don't, but fear is fear.... it has a funny way of presenting itself.
I apologize- today didn't end up being so much words of inspiration, but a sharing of an honest, raw, fear, and I ask that you, my gentle readers, please pray for me.
I have a "sometimes" heart condition, where I randomly experience lone-bouts of A-fib and PSVT. Basically, it means my heart races reguarly (PSVT) or irregularly (A-fib), anywhere from 100 bpm to 250 bpm. It usually happens only once or twice every 4-6 months or so, but it has been happening off and on for the last 2 weeks now, and it has me a little freaked out.
A little? Well, that's an understatement, for sure! It has me a lot-freaked out. It's my heart! Without a properly functioning heart, life changes, as we know it. I find that I'm starting to make decisions based on the fear of what would happen if my heart decides to have another episode... I mean, it may or may not cramp up and start racing--- right now, 20 minutes from now, 3 hours from now, or this coming September!
"To live in fear is a life half lived.".... hm... never heard that before, right? (note: sarcasm) But seriously- yes, living with the fear that this heart thing will happen again is making me feel like I need to make wiser decisions, but if I don't make my decisions with my heart in mind, what if I only get to live half of my life?
I hate it. I hate feeling this vulnerable. It doesn't help that the song stuck in my head when I woke up this morning (yes, I wake up singing quite often) was "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry. Now- I don't think I will be dying young, and I surely hope I don't, but fear is fear.... it has a funny way of presenting itself.
I apologize- today didn't end up being so much words of inspiration, but a sharing of an honest, raw, fear, and I ask that you, my gentle readers, please pray for me.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Glass Half Empty
Easter Sunday we went to church with my brother & sister inlaw, and it was absolutely wonderful. The homily was about how most of the time we want things to be full, or filled, whether it's our bellies after a good meal or our bank accounts, we want it FULL.
Easter is a time for those who are seeking to be filled- for those who's souls are empty, yearning for more God. (as I type this, I hear "MORE COWBELL!" ringing through my head)... so, yes! MORE GOD!
This is one place where I hope that - while I feel completely filled with the Holy Spirit - I may remain empty, constantly yearning, constantly seeking more.
Easter is a time for those who are seeking to be filled- for those who's souls are empty, yearning for more God. (as I type this, I hear "MORE COWBELL!" ringing through my head)... so, yes! MORE GOD!
This is one place where I hope that - while I feel completely filled with the Holy Spirit - I may remain empty, constantly yearning, constantly seeking more.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Palm Sunday Sucker Punch
Palm Sunday is always hard for me... the reading of the Passion, Christ's friend betraying Him, nobody actually standing up for Him as the high priest demands His crucifixion.... maybe it's because I was bullied so horribly growing up, but this has always made me weep. I have always felt like I could identify with Christ. (Yes, I was an odd child)
The last two weekends I managed to make it through watching the Passion of Christ without crying. Last night I managed to make it through the reading of the Passion without crying. Last night, what made me cry uncontrolably was the homily. I got to the church right as mass was starting, and it was packed so I ended up sitting first row, center isle. Usually that wouldn't have bothered me. Usually Father comes down into the congregation to give his homily and I love it.
Last night he stood right in front of me, happened to make eye contact, and asked us all to think of our worst day. I instantly shook my head as my inner voice screamed "NO!" and he chuckled, as did the rest of the faith-community. He followed with "now, the day after that was a little bit better.... and the day after that..." etc. He asked us to think of the people God brings to us to help us get past our worst day.... and that's when I lost it.
"Why?" do you ask? Well, even with all that has happened over the last 15 years, my worst day was caused by the very person God put in my life to bring me up from all those other times that I thought were my worst days. The day "George" (this is what we will call him for anonimity's sake) brought my world crashing around me when he told me that our 8 year friendship was only in my head and that he was only kind to me because it was convenient for him at the time. The beginning of April is always hard for me anyway because his birthday is the first week, and it's also when he sent me the email that tore my soul in two.
I thought I was done with this pain! I thought I'd forgiven "George" for his decision to do what he did, to say what he said to me! Obviously, I only burried it. Not that I would ever wish anyone dead, but I think it would have been -- would BE -- easier for me to move on if someone had passed. I know I've said this before, I know I've blogged about it before, but it's still how I feel.... with everything fresh again, like Father's words were a knife reopening the scar tissue that took so long to patch the pieces of myself back together.
How do I really, truly get past this? I'm not sure.... "George" is the only person who can pull me into my darkest place without having to even be present. The hardest part for me is that we shared so much of my formative years as a Catholic, the years when my Soul Cries started, the years when I found who I was, when I was the one making the decisions in my Faith-Life, and he was there every step of the way. There's a good 7-8 years of my life where every single day was infused with this person. It's the "lesson" I don't understand yet.... it's the only thing I really, really question in God's plan for me.... What-the-heck good was it to have this person in my life if I was going to be permanently emotionally & mentally scarred by him?!?! Doesn't it seem like there would have been a seriously less painful journey on my path, God?
Of course, as I type this, the whole point of Father's homily comes rushing back in.... God put Jesus on.the.cross. Couldn't there have been a less painful way? No, not for us to really get the point. Luckily for the early followers of Jesus, and I mean early- like people who were at his death-early, they received almost instant gratification in that Jesus was back in 3 days- BAM!- told you so!
Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to see that kind of relief from my grief. (ha-ha, no intention of making that rhyme) *half grin*
The last two weekends I managed to make it through watching the Passion of Christ without crying. Last night I managed to make it through the reading of the Passion without crying. Last night, what made me cry uncontrolably was the homily. I got to the church right as mass was starting, and it was packed so I ended up sitting first row, center isle. Usually that wouldn't have bothered me. Usually Father comes down into the congregation to give his homily and I love it.
Last night he stood right in front of me, happened to make eye contact, and asked us all to think of our worst day. I instantly shook my head as my inner voice screamed "NO!" and he chuckled, as did the rest of the faith-community. He followed with "now, the day after that was a little bit better.... and the day after that..." etc. He asked us to think of the people God brings to us to help us get past our worst day.... and that's when I lost it.
"Why?" do you ask? Well, even with all that has happened over the last 15 years, my worst day was caused by the very person God put in my life to bring me up from all those other times that I thought were my worst days. The day "George" (this is what we will call him for anonimity's sake) brought my world crashing around me when he told me that our 8 year friendship was only in my head and that he was only kind to me because it was convenient for him at the time. The beginning of April is always hard for me anyway because his birthday is the first week, and it's also when he sent me the email that tore my soul in two.
I thought I was done with this pain! I thought I'd forgiven "George" for his decision to do what he did, to say what he said to me! Obviously, I only burried it. Not that I would ever wish anyone dead, but I think it would have been -- would BE -- easier for me to move on if someone had passed. I know I've said this before, I know I've blogged about it before, but it's still how I feel.... with everything fresh again, like Father's words were a knife reopening the scar tissue that took so long to patch the pieces of myself back together.
How do I really, truly get past this? I'm not sure.... "George" is the only person who can pull me into my darkest place without having to even be present. The hardest part for me is that we shared so much of my formative years as a Catholic, the years when my Soul Cries started, the years when I found who I was, when I was the one making the decisions in my Faith-Life, and he was there every step of the way. There's a good 7-8 years of my life where every single day was infused with this person. It's the "lesson" I don't understand yet.... it's the only thing I really, really question in God's plan for me.... What-the-heck good was it to have this person in my life if I was going to be permanently emotionally & mentally scarred by him?!?! Doesn't it seem like there would have been a seriously less painful journey on my path, God?
Of course, as I type this, the whole point of Father's homily comes rushing back in.... God put Jesus on.the.cross. Couldn't there have been a less painful way? No, not for us to really get the point. Luckily for the early followers of Jesus, and I mean early- like people who were at his death-early, they received almost instant gratification in that Jesus was back in 3 days- BAM!- told you so!
Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to see that kind of relief from my grief. (ha-ha, no intention of making that rhyme) *half grin*
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Strength in Weakness
2 Corinthians 12:19 "...My power is made perfect in weakness..." That's one translation- and I must say, a much less confusing or conflicting translation than what I grew up hearing, something about how God's power is made stronger in our weakness.... I always hated the way that made me feel. I hated that the bible asked us to be weak, made it sound like God glorified in it, that He was rejoicing that we were so powerless....
But now, looking at it, and reading the whole context around 2 Corinth 12:19, I see things a little bit differently:
"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest in me.
I love it. I LOVE IT!
But how do you explain this to someone who hasn't felt Christ's Love, who hasn't felt God's power surging through every bit of their being? How do you say, "I know it sucks right now, and nothing makes sense, but if you trust the Holy Spirit- yes, this invisible mist-of-a-travel-guide, the Spirit will pray for you when you don't know the words!" (Romans 2:26) How do you explain Faith to someone who feels like the World has slammed the door on their hand, trapping them there with pain throbbing?
I pray. I pray that the Lord uses their heart as a conduit even if they don't realize it, and that they feel the Spirit moving in them.
Pray. Trust that the Holy Spirit knows what prayer you need....
But now, looking at it, and reading the whole context around 2 Corinth 12:19, I see things a little bit differently:
"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest in me.
I love it. I LOVE IT!
But how do you explain this to someone who hasn't felt Christ's Love, who hasn't felt God's power surging through every bit of their being? How do you say, "I know it sucks right now, and nothing makes sense, but if you trust the Holy Spirit- yes, this invisible mist-of-a-travel-guide, the Spirit will pray for you when you don't know the words!" (Romans 2:26) How do you explain Faith to someone who feels like the World has slammed the door on their hand, trapping them there with pain throbbing?
I pray. I pray that the Lord uses their heart as a conduit even if they don't realize it, and that they feel the Spirit moving in them.
Pray. Trust that the Holy Spirit knows what prayer you need....
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
The Pen is Mightier than the Words?
I love to write. I have something like six different blogs that I write, four of them quite regulary. I have at least four journals that I am constantly toting around with me and jotting thoughts & notes down, and one is where I dump my entire 'everything'.
This last weekend I thought I'd push myself and lead the closing prayer at youth group... I prep'd, I wrote down notes from the Sunday readings, referenced the Penitential Act (A), and took notes during the homily- so many things were pointing to exactly what message I wanted to share with the kiddos that night! When it came time to speak, I completely froze.
Completely.
Didn't say a SINGLE thing that I wanted to say!!! Dang it!!! All the wonderful words I'd worked on for almost a week flew right out of my brain! *sad face*
I still trust that something I said was something that somebody in the room needed to hear, because all night I just kept praying that God give me the words to reach people with the message they needed.... but dang. I was sure disappointed in myself. I feel like I'm so much more elloquent when I am writing or typing- even though I don't sit and ponder, I just write, even though I don't go back and edit much of what I'm writing or typing.... when I'm speaking, it still sounds good, but it's not usually what I've practiced on paper.
Still working on the lesson in this.... perhaps my next post will be sharing the words I worked so hard to put together? Perhaps it will reach one of you, my faithful readers....
This last weekend I thought I'd push myself and lead the closing prayer at youth group... I prep'd, I wrote down notes from the Sunday readings, referenced the Penitential Act (A), and took notes during the homily- so many things were pointing to exactly what message I wanted to share with the kiddos that night! When it came time to speak, I completely froze.
Completely.
Didn't say a SINGLE thing that I wanted to say!!! Dang it!!! All the wonderful words I'd worked on for almost a week flew right out of my brain! *sad face*
I still trust that something I said was something that somebody in the room needed to hear, because all night I just kept praying that God give me the words to reach people with the message they needed.... but dang. I was sure disappointed in myself. I feel like I'm so much more elloquent when I am writing or typing- even though I don't sit and ponder, I just write, even though I don't go back and edit much of what I'm writing or typing.... when I'm speaking, it still sounds good, but it's not usually what I've practiced on paper.
Still working on the lesson in this.... perhaps my next post will be sharing the words I worked so hard to put together? Perhaps it will reach one of you, my faithful readers....
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