Tid-bits of Inspiration

365 Days of Prayer

2012-01-31T10:40:00.000-08:00

For anyone who reads my personal blog, I was wondering what to do for 365 days. I've heard of people doing 365 days of photos, interviews, recipes, etc... I am going to do 365 days of prayer! Starting 01/28/12, I am praying for the same person every day - without telling that person. Sort of an experiment, just to see how the Holy Spirit will work in their life, how they might grow over the next year!

In the past, I've silently prayed for friends to find God- it took almost 5 years, but they got there! When I was in college there was a guy on the baseball team who was just a real jerk.... I prayed for him every day for 30 days and by the last week he was actually brining his bible out in the dugout and on road trips- what an amazing turn around! I'm really excited to see what an intense year of prayer will do!!!

Maybe I will tell the person, maybe I won't... we'll see. Day 4 down, 361 to go!

Power of Prayer

2012-01-26T11:49:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder how prayer works? I mean- really, and truly, why and how it works?

The final confirmation class for the youth group was all about prayer, last night. One of the things that was mentioned was how God's just like any other good parent- He knows what we want, what we need, and what's best for us, but He still would rather have us ask Him in lieu of silence. I guess it's kind of like a parent asking for a wish list before your birthday? They know what you want, they know what's best for you, but they encourage you to think about it.

God wants us to think about what we're asking for. He wants us to grow in Him as we ask Him for help.

Today's bible verse is James 4:10 "Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up."

AMEN! I mean, well, yeah- there are those incredibly human moments when I am convinced that this is a cosmic joke, that God likes to watch us squirm and suffer as He waits for us to finally catch on, but for the most part, that's not really what I believe. At all. That's more of a "I'm frustrated and lashing out" response.....

So, yes- the point of the verse? To ask for help. The lesson of the verse? Humble yourself in the Lord and He will help you see what He wants for you, and that will lift you up above any of your own wants or needs. It's true. If you humbly say, "I want to win the lotto" that won't work... can you really humbly ask for millions of dollars? If you humbly say, "Lord, help me to see where You want me to be, help me to do Your Will" then of course He's going to lift you up and show you the way!

Food for thought: Next time you think you need to pray for something, instead ask for the Holy Spirit to help you understand the why of your current situation. The enlightenment will be beyond words...

Time

2012-01-24T14:38:00.000-08:00

"Time is strange. A moment can be as short as a breath or as long as eternity." ~ Cornell Woolrich

Have you ever had those moments that seem to last for an eternity? Or the enigma of the car trip that takes for ever to get to point A, but returning home takes 1/2 the time? Or how about God's timing?

God's timing.... ha. Something that I'm sure we all struggle with, I sure know I do! No matter how much I journal, pray, meditate, journal, inquire, ask for guidance, journal, self-assess, etc, I cannot find an answer to God's timing & why I haven't met my husband yet. (or even someone I'd want to date?!) God's answered me as to why I didn't get hired into the job I'm in until I did, or why I ended up moving 3 times between January 2010 and January 2011, and I've gotten pretty good at trusting His timing over what I think my own timeline should be, but the whole spouse thing just really gets me.

What issues have you had to give up to God's timing?

I know I've talked about it before, but I'm gonna say it again because I absolutely love the anaolgy: what happens on God's clock at 2 o'clock won't necessarily make sense sometimes until 10 o'clock the next day. Now- the thing to remember, is God's timing is different then our timing! I mean- creating the world in 7 days, Moses being hundreds of years old... ???

What is time, but a "name" that we have come up with to measure the passing of ... time... ?

A Positive Soul Cry!

2012-01-10T22:27:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a burning urge to call one of the families I know from youth group. It was pretty intense, I was really, really worried that there was something happening that was bad, that they needed prayer for some unforseen tragedy- right? This is how it usually happens for me!

So, after the third day of feeling this feeling, I called them.

Luckily, not a thing was going on! It was just a quick conversation, a nice hello, and a "Gee, I'm glad that nobody died!" *grin*

Praise God for happy little miracles! *grin*

Just. Breathe.

2012-01-03T16:00:00.000-08:00

Today has been one of "those" days.

Terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day, and I think I'm moving to Australia....
(reference to a beloved children's book: Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day)

I have a meeting at church tonight for senior high youth group regular planning & retreat planning. Somehow, I've GOT to turn my mood around! I don't feel inspired, patient, or grace-filled at all- not a good way to start the afternoon, and definately not a good way to go into planning tonight, and not a good time to be going to church- I feel like I could snap someone's head off and not realize it happened until tomorrow!!!

While venting to my mom, she reminded me that these are the times when it is best time to go to church. Even if it's not a service, even if it's not mass, just be present. She's right! (of course she's right, she's Mom.) *grin*

While Australia might be a fun retreat, I don't think running half-way around the world is going to resolve my mood.

~~~

Dearest Mary, Mother of God,
You have the power to bestow graces upon us- please help me find the grace to forgive those around me. Please help me find the patience within to quiet my soul, and help prepare me so that I may be a vessel, bringing God's message to the table tonight. Help me to be present in your Son, Jesus Christ, and help me to feel His presence in me.

Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

Week 4 of Advent has Come & Gone...

2011-12-28T15:22:00.000-08:00

... I apologize, for I have no meditations or food for thought on this. It was a very challenging time for me, and I have no explenation as to why! It didn't feel like Christmas, it didn't feel like was prepared for Christmas, and it still doesn't feel like Christmas has happened yet.... I'm not sure what changed, or when it changed, but I just haven't been hit with that "feeling" that usually comes this time of year.

I read lots of different postings and prayers for the fourth week of Advent and nothing moved me. Not.a.thing.

Why share this? Why not just fake some inspiration? Because that wouldn't be fair to you! I'd like to think that I have a strong, un-shakeable faith, but I don't. Not that there's any doubt, it's just a lack of ... idunno what. It happens to all of us.

If you find yourself with a lack-of-idunno-what, just keep pluggin' along. Whatever it is that feels like it's "missing" will find its way back eventually, I promise.

A Prayer for Advent, Week 3

2011-12-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

This is from an email subscription I have through http://www.biblegateway.com/

Christmas Joy, a devotional by Mel Lawrenz
--
"Soul"

My soul magnifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior. -Luke 2:46-47

One of the worst things that can happen to a person is to live with a shrunken understanding of God, a shrunken soul. This is the perfect reason to take Christmas seriously, as our best hope for our minds and hearts to be enlarged with God's greatness.

Mary's response to the message that she would bear the savior was a remarkable song of praise, sometimes known as the Magnificat (Luke 2:46-55). It begins, "My soul magnifies the Lord," which means that because God's announcement opened her heart him in a way that she couldn't have imagined, her soul was beginning to grasp the bigness of God.

I remember the first time I looked through a telescope at the open sky on a cold winter evening. When I pointed it at the half-lit moon, I was stunned as it came into focus-to see mountains and plains, unlike the picture books I was used to, but the real thing in real time. An ethereal, bright disk hanging in the sky was now a real place to me. The telescope magnified its reality. The moon didn't increase, but my comprehension of it did.

Sometimes human beings look at God as if he were a distant point of light. But when we take his word into consideration, and if we accept it by faith, our perspective changes drastically. We see that we are living in a greater reality, with a greater God than we had imagined, and with greater possibilities in our future.

Mary knew her life would never be the same-not just her life, but the lives of countless others-because of what God was going to do. This stretched her soul, and it can stretch ours.

Prayer for today:

Lord, this Christmas, give me a larger vision of who you are. May you be magnified in my soul, and may others see that you are the focus of my celebration.

A Prayer for Advent, Week 2 (observed)

2011-12-13T11:54:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delayed posting- the common cold has had me down for the count!

While I was only able to work a few hours on a few days last week, I was praying for Graces to be bestowed upon me.... whether it was patience to get through the morning commute, or compassion while dealing with customers at work, or while the grace to forgive certain family members who have chosen a very dark path and have turned their backs on the family...

And who better to pray with than Our Mother, Mary! The second week of Advent we celebrated the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, and she is the mediatrix of graces for us. I like to think of her as if she were by my side, with her arm around me while I pray:

Hail, Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with thee!
Blessed art thou amongst women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners,
Now and at the hour of our death,
Amen.

When is the Right Time for God?

2011-12-07T21:04:00.000-08:00

As I sit here doped up on cold medicine, I'm watching a TV show I really enjoy called The Middle. Forgive me if my thoughts don't quite track, I'm trying to keep this straight.... stick with me. I tried to type while the actors were speaking, to get the closest, most accurate words.

The youngest son reads EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME. He comes in during breakfast and says "Mom, how come you didn't tell me that church was based on a book?" Her answer, as she was trying to get kids out the door, "Now's not the time for the Bible, it's too early."

That night, he comes up to his dad and starts asking questions. He says "Dad, I've read it all, but I have a few questions- like 'How did Jonah survive in the belly of the whale, wouldn't the whale's digestive juices take care of him?' and 'How did Noah get two of every animal on one ship, the waste alone-' and his dad said, "Not now, Brick, it's too late."

Brick's response, "Well, then when is the right time? This morning it was too early, now it's too late...?!" The comedic moment was when the dad said "Well, Sunday morning, from 9-10."

As the show went on, Brick's sister brought him to talk to Rev Tim-Tom, a roving reverend who plays the guitar with new-age worship music while ice skating, helping to bring God's love to everyone. She insists that the reverend make her brother believe because she's afraid he won't be saved.

Brick's first point of frustration was this, "the more I read, the more questions I have!" And he went on to raise a few good points..." If God is all powerful, why didn't he make everybody nice?" "And the whole burning bush, Moses parting Red Sea- the believability- MEH!" The reverend's response, "If you believe in God, miracles happen every day!"

When the sister asked Rev. Tim-Tom how it went, he said it was more like a time release thing- that Brick needs to come to it in his own time.

Before traveling to the next town, Rev. Tim-Tom came to see Brick's sister- Completely distraught, she asked, "Why did you give up on Brick?!" The reverend answered, "I didn't give up on him- he's a questioner- if people didn't ask questions, God would be out of a job... the world has always been full of questioners... Do you like Justin Bieber? He can't make everyone like him... Jesus rolls like Justin- JC put the good word out there and let the people follow him. Lighten up, let him find his own path."

One of the closing scenes is the two kids looking out the window at snowflakes, and Brick's sister says,"Isn't it amazing that each snowflake is different? It took me an hour to cut 10, God has to do - like - 50 million. You can't tell me that isn't a miracle." Brick answers, "Good point. So, do you really believe all that stuff in the bible is true?" His sister answers, " Absolutely!" Scene ends with Brick saying, "Yeah.... I still don't know.... but it is a really good story.... I just wish it had roman numerals- nobody writes about roman numerals anymore." (random, I know.... watch the show, it'll make more sense!)
----

So- to reiterate Brick's question, when is the right time for God? Why can't it be in the morning, during breakfast, or on the way out the door. Why can't it be at night, after dinner, before bed? How many times have discussions similar to this happened- maybe not so much with the 4th grader reading the Bible in one day, but the child asking the parents questions, and the parents putting off answering the hard questions?

I really like how the writers of the show had the reverend answer Brick's questions. I really like how he helped the sister understand that she couldn't force her brother into believing in God, that she needs to let her brother get to the point of believing on his own time. I don't know that I would have made the connection with Justin Bieber and Jesus Christ, but it was a great way to explain it- JB (Bieber) puts his music out there, that's all he can do. JC (Jesus) puts the good word out there, and waits for people to come to Him- He can't make us love Him, we have to come to that on our own.

Perhaps, today, the right time for God is prime time.

A Prayer for Advent, Week 1

2011-12-01T12:47:00.000-08:00

I have come to bring you peace.

I found this prayer (hyperlinked) on Catholic.org. The website has a weekly Advent prayer, and while I wasn't too inspired by their selection, I really liked this one. Isn't that a wonderful idea? When has someone said that to you? Ever? "Hey, how's it going? I've come to bring you peace, just wanted you to know that you're loved, and that it's on a level so deep that you can't really even begin to fathom what it really means...."

My favorite- absolute favorite part of this prayer is the third phrase- maybe it's because I have the absolute hardest time with self-acceptance, self-love, self-worth... But I'm workin' on it! I have good days and bad days, and those good days are starting to out number the bad- amen.

As we enter into this Advent Season, prepare yourself to welcome and accept Love!

I have come to bring you peace.

Not the peace of the season, for it is too fleeting,
Not the peace of the carol, for it is nostalgic,
Not the peace of the greeting card, for it is too slick,
Not the peace of the crib, for it is too wistful.

Rather, I have come to bring you peace,
Peace of the ordinary, the daily, the homely,
Peace for the worker, the driver, the student,
Peace in the office, the kitchen, the farm.

I have come to bring you peace,
The peace of accepting yourself as I fashioned you.
The peace of knowing yourself as I know you,
The peace of loving yourself as I love you,
The peace of being yourself as I am who I am.

I have come to bring you peace,
The peace that warms you at the completion of a task,
The peace that invades you at the close of the day,
The peace that sustains you at the beginning of the day,
The peace that reinforces you when you are reconciled with one another.
The peace that touches you when your family is in order.

Without peace, my coming is unfulfilled.
Without peace, my birth is forgettable.
Without peace, Christmas is a contradiction.
I have come to bring you peace.

© Liguori Publications
Excerpt from Advent - A Quality Storecupboard The Congregation of the Most Holy Redeemer

---

1000 Views; Sharing on God's Time

2011-11-25T11:28:00.000-08:00

Thank you for 1000 views on this fine day-after-Thanksgiving!
-

I write to you, today, about sharing your stories, your testimonies, your "God" experience... and what it means for me to be sharing some of my story.

I have no problem sharing most of my experiences with people, especially if it means helping them get closer to God in their own personal relationship. The kids at youth group love personal sharings, they feel like they can really relate to them! As we go in to planning our senior high retreat, we decided that it'd be good for all of us "adults" (I will never get used to being in that category) know one another's stories so we can know when who's sharing would best reach the kids.

Unfortunately - FOR ME (selfish reason right here!) - the stories I'm not quite ready to share are ones that will definately help the senior high group. They've had some pretty scary things happen amongst their peers over the last year or so, and while I'm not right out of high school, I can definately say, "When I was your age" and "been there, done that, lived to tell the tale and still love God."... but it's just.so.hard.

Before joining a faith-community, I prayed about which church to join, and where to offer my time, talents, and treasures. God's answer was with these teens, and at this particular church. Since college, and since you-know-who denounced our friendship, I've been longing, asking, praying for someone with whom I can share my faith life, someone who will help me to heal where I feel like I've been stuck. It took.... 8 years?... but I'm in that place, and now that God has presented me with a rock-solid group of my own peers, as well as teens ready to relate and grow in their faith through my sharing, I'm absolutely terrified to feel so exposed.

The best way I can describe it is like having a huge, gnarly scab on your knee. You keep it hidden, beneath band-aids and your pants, and when you're not really thinking about it, you sort of rub it or cradle it, keeping it from getting bumped or pulled or exposed. You take care of it, putting neosporin on it and airing it out for a little while, but you just aren't brave enough to let it be fully exposed.

That's how I feel. I share a lil-bit, here and there, hoping that will be enough to keep the wounds protected. I am absolutely terrified to leave myself - my aching bits of heart & soul - exposed to the air, even though I know the air (aka God in this analogy) will bring healing.

The inquiry for sharing stories during this Quest planning is like the person who rips the bandaid off for you... I can't honestly serve where God has guided me if I don't expose myself.

Why am I so afraid to do this? I was asking, begging, pleading, and thought that maybe God wanted me to do it alone. But now I see that I needed to wait until He was ready for me to share... it's just a matter of trusting that His timing is better than my timing....

Experiencing Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By...

2011-11-16T11:08:00.000-08:00

Apparently, Blogger is not IE friendly anymore, I can't get half the pages or features to load. This means I can only blog from my laptops, since I'm not going to even try blogging from a smartphone... who knows what horrors would come up with the auto-correct features, especially with both English & Spanish keyboard options!

No more posts on my breaks at work... I will be posting shortly though, promise!

Are there any topics you'd like to read about? Anything you'd like me to pray about for you?

I'm going to be doing some research on the new Missal translation for our Life Teen- Life Night, so that's what is on the horizon. I don't know much about it just yet, only that I have the app on my phone so I won't get lost during mass. Of course, I don't want people to think I'm texting or browsing the internet during church... hmmm... maybe I'll just have to get to church early enough to make sure I get one of the cheat sheets :-)

Sharing a Little Miracle

2011-11-08T15:49:00.000-08:00

A miracle, indeed!

You may not be aware of how severe my allergy is to cat dander- if I'm within 5 feet of cat dander, I go into anaphylactic shock. Even a piece of paper from a cat-owner's house is enough to make everything swell shut! So, as I go to any youth group activities, I always say a prayer that my allergy does not prevent me from helping people, from doing God's Will.

That being said, there are a lot of kids who have cats in their homes. *scrunched up face* It makes me sad, because I'm always afraid that someone will forget and stand beside me or behind me, and that's that- inhaler, epi pins, 911...

So, while working with the kids, I've been cautious. I was talking with a few this weekend and their mother came up and said, "Get back, they have cats!" I was completely taken aback!! While I'd had problems with my allergies around the mother, I had never had problems around the children, and hadn't even put 2+2 together! It gets even more amazing- the cat apparently sleeps on one of the kid's beds!! That means cat dander would be everywhere, as it is smaller and lighter than anthrax and hangs in the air after a cat has left the room... I never had a single reaction to being around her.

Amazing... Absolutely amazing... What's even more amazing is that- going into convention weekend- I had said "If ever there was a time for a healing, now would be a perfect time to get rid of my cat allergy, Lord." I said it in jest, the gal next to me laughed and said, "I know, right?!"

AMEN! It would absolutely break my heart if I was unable to help someone truly in need of God's help because of my stupid, over-active immune system!!! God is good, He still performs miracles, this is my proof. Now, it doesn't mean that I'm ready to go test my theory and start rubbing cats all over me, I think this was more of a one-time/temporary/situational 'assist'... we'll see.

"I will consider all your works and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your ways, God, are holy. What god is as great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples." Psalm 77:12-14

What I love about this part of Psalm 77 is what comes before it- all the doubt, the suffering, the pain...

"I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me... I sought the Lord... stretched out untiring hands, and ...would not be comforted... I meditated and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak... My heart meditated and my spirit asked - will the Lord reject forever?... has His unfailing love vanished forever?"

How many times have we felt forgotten by God? I know I have, more times than I can count. When you're there, when you're feeling that the Lord has rejected you, that His unfailing love has vanished forever, remember His miracles of long-ago. (77:11) Know that you are not as alone as you feel, and that somewhere- someone- is sharing your doubts, and longing to find God again.

Dear Lord,

Please remember your people. Help us to understand why we feel we are alone, naked, exposed; why we feel like you're not there. Help us to see that you are- that, for whatever reason, you are helping us to stand on our own. Gather the saints around us in these dark hours, for many of them expierenced feeling a lack of your presence on their journey. Help us to see the Holy Spirit around us at all times, and help Him to guide us down your path. Our minds know you are there, and you are good, but our hearts feel abandoned and doubtful- please, erase this doubt and replace the pain of abandonment with the joy of your love.

Amen <><

Post Update: It's Okay to Cry

2011-11-07T06:27:00.000-08:00

A little while ago I posted about how I cry at Mass..... when the Spirit moves me, I let it move me! I realized I have a lot of healing to do, and over the last 10 years that I've worked so hard to help other people in their struggles, I have built such a high, thick wall around the wounded areas of my heart, my soul. When I realize this, when one of those bricks comes down, I can't help but cry- out of pain, out of Glory to God for healing me with His love, out of fear that I will be too weak to endure the struggles if I don't have that "foundation"- that FALSE foundation of brick-n-mortar that I've built.

Yesterday, while celebrating Mass with 1600 high school students at Youth Convention, a little more healing took place, and I cried. While I was crying, allowing myself to open up for God's healing grace, I found myself begging, pleading for rain. Then I remembered that I never posted the hyperlinks for the song Rain in my post "It's Okay to Cry"... so, here it is.

Amazingly, although not completely unexpected, I had a Soul Cry while I was at Convention this last weekend- but I'd like to share it with that individual before I share it with all of you.

As you listen to "Rain", I encourage you to check out Carly's other songs, and Tess and Carson's too... their whole family is so incredibly talented. But I also encourage you to say a prayer for all those affected by depression, suicide, and loss. I also ask you to say just a little prayer the next time it rains- that God's healing waters rain down on you and anyone else who needs to feel His love.

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost- AMEN.

Consider the Source

2011-11-01T15:18:00.000-07:00

With the youth group at my church, we've been challenging the kids to read one bible verse a day and to meditate on it. I found an awesome emailer that sent the verse and a guided reflection in a cute little format, looked like it was a framed scroll of parchment, very easy on the eye.... Before recommending that the kiddos read it, I figured I'd better do a little research on who was sponsoring the organization/emails....

HOLY SMOKES!!! It was "one of the largest non-trinitarian organizations" out there! What's the big deal, you ask? Non-trinitarian means no trinity. No power of three-in-one, Father-Son-Holy Spirit. As a Catholic, that is absolutely FUNDAMENTAL. I was completely shocked! It looked like a good source to hear The Word. It had some wonderful reflections. It talked about God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit, but they do not believe that the three are one.

Sometimes it's better not to have all that pretty fru-fru fluff-n-stuff. http://www.biblegateway.com/ has a wonderful verse of the day, and I subscribed to their Old/New Testament readings, working on reading the bible over the course of 365 days.

Be careful what you're reading... watching... observing... know your Faith, your foundation, and always- ALWAYS- stay true to it!

Proverbs 26:23-25 (NIV) 23 Like a coating of silver dross on earthenware are fervent[a] lips with an evil heart. 24 Enemies disguise themselves with their lips, but in their hearts they harbor deceit. 25 Though their speech is charming, do not believe them, for seven abominations fill their hearts.

Today's bible verse from biblegateway.com: “I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people,” Ephesians 1:18 NIV

Thoughts on Soul

2011-10-12T11:18:00.000-07:00

There's something stirring, and I can't quite put it into my own words just yet, so I am going to share, with you, a few quotes I have found....

"Whenever I hurt, wherever I tingle, whenever I weep, whenever I guffaw, my soul is humming... It operates in my heart, my deep guts... My soul entangles me in fantasies & surprising emotions."
- James Broughton

"The soul is one of the most sensitive parts of the body. You can ask ten people and get ten different answers. Soul is whatever rings your bell. But soul is definitely within the body; it's in the mind of the observer, like plugging a cord into a receptor."
-Helen Maybell Anglin

Hide-n-Seek

2011-09-30T16:26:00.000-07:00

"When you go to the ends of the earth, you will find traces of God; if you go to the depths of your soul, you will find God Himself. (When the little monk dreamt about finding God)"

I have a wonderful book called The Little Monk: Wisdome from a Little Friend of Big Faith, by Madeleine Delbrel. The author was born in 1904 in the south of France, and she was born and raised as an athiest. She would often say "God is dead- Long Live Death!" because she felt that was the only certainty! She was a progressive, learned woman, and wore her hair scandelously short. Her life changed forever when her fiance left her to join the Dominicans, and she realized that life didn't seem meaningless and absurd to her Christian friends, and this started the beginning of her finding God.

The quote I randomly turned to just now hits home with me so much right now, both as my soul longs for the peace and quiet it finds at a body of water, as well as how it longs for a deeper relationship with God. It reminds me of a poem I wrote in high school:

I looked for my soul, but my soul I could not see,
I looked for my God, but my God eluded me,
I looked for a friend, and then I found all three.

Who'd have thunk I was so insightful as a teenager?!

How many times have you looked, searched with all your being, to "find God"? Did you think to look inside? I know I forget to.

Madeleine's inspiration was Teresa of Avila, and how she recommeneded to silently think of God for five minutes each day. It sounds so simple, but try it. No radio, no phone, no TV, no computer- just you and your silent thoughts about God. You won't need to go to the ends of the earth, you will find your soul and your a friend.

It's Okay to Cry

2011-09-21T12:33:00.000-07:00

I cry at mass every Sunday. It's not necessarily the same time every Sunday, but at some point during the service, I am moved to tears. And I'm okay with that.

This last week, and the first Life Teen mass for me at St. Stephen's, it started with the Prayers of the Faithful, and didn't really end until I distracted myself after communion by making faces back and forth with the toddler in front of me.

Sometimes it's really embarassing how much I cry- luckily I've managed the art of silent tears- because I've come out of church before with wet spots on my shirt! But you know what? I'm okay with it.

It's okay to cry.

Sometimes the power of God's presence is just too amazing not to! Sometimes a song takes me right back to Mass at PLU before my friend renounced our friendship. Sometimes it reminds me of how much I miss my grandmothers every single day. Sometimes it's because I feel the pain of a fellow member of the congregation. Sometimes I am humbled by my humanity and God's love for me. Like I said, it's something different every time.

When I was little, and actually- an innocent part of my still does this- I would equate rain to angels' tears. When my grandfather died when I was young, I was sure it rained whenever I missed him. When kids were horribly mean to me at school, I knew the angels were sad that one of Jesus's lambs was hurting so badly. When terribly tragic events happened personally or globally, there was rain. Now, yes- I know- this is the Pacific Northwest, where there's 363 days of rain, one day of snow, and maybe a few days of sun... but the rain was always a subtle reminder for me that God shared my pain because he loved me so much!

We have close family friends who lost a loved one to suicide, Carly Henley. She was a beautiful college student, musician- singer/song writer, and one of my favorite songs that she wrote "Rain". This is the original YouTube video, and here is the studio cut sung by her cousin Tess Henley. How healing the rain is, letting it fall down over you...

When you feel moved by the Spirit, laugh- sing- shout- dance- share it! Please remember, it's okay to cry.

My Cup Runeth Over

2011-09-15T10:42:00.000-07:00

... or, er, my brain runeth over.... with snippet of ideas on what to write! What do you want to read about?

Feeling Your Way
Songs for Your Soul
Religions & Traditions & Learning Styles, Oh MY!
For You, I Pray

I know, some of these might seem a little vague, but I don't know that I'm ready to go too much farther with them in an opinion-survey of sorts. Is there anything else that you want to put out there? My brain, body, and spirit have been on a little bit of overload right now.... settling in after moving, trying to find things after moving, working overtime right now, and jumping on board with the youth ministries high school team at church... I see quotes, hear song lyrics, and have little 5-minute discussions in passing about some of the above-topics, and I can't tell you how many post-it notes I have stuck on my desk at work, in my calendar that I carry with me, stuck in my journal on my nightstand- things I want to write about! I think I need to bust out the whiteboards and just keep a running list, or maybe a brainstorming map.

Dear Lord,

Please grant me the peace of mind, body, and spirit to see clarity in where Your path is leading me. Help use me to speak to Your people, help me to be inspiried by the Spirit so that I can write to the needs of those who cry out to You. Use me, Lord, use me. I say, "Yes!"

Let Your Will be done, Amen.

The Spirit Is-a Movin'!

2011-09-10T12:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to my first Baptist service, it was a funeral service, and it was the most fun I've had at church in a LOOOOOONG time! Not that church should always be fun, but I tell you what- I was ready to start sayin' "Amen, alleluja!" and "My Lord, preach it!" along with everyone else. The preacher had some really good words too.... not so "Hell-and-damnation" like some funerals I've been to, but more along the lines of "when was the last time you talked to Jesus?" concepts. Keeping Him close with you, being ready to go right now- not tomorrow, not a week from now, not 50 years from now, but now.

There's actually a few incredibly charasmatic Roman Catholic churches in the Seattle area, and I think I might have to go to them a little more often. I can't tell you how amazingly moving it was to have the pastor burst into song, and upbeat, jazzy-bluesy spiritual in the middle of prayer. And it was simple enough that the congregation joined in harmony.

A.MA.ZING.

I sent a text to my brother after the service, and it said, "This is the best funeral EVER. If Jesus was giving a locker room-pep talk, this would be it!"

So, are you ready to follow Jesus, right now? Is your soul ready to let go of this world when God's time says so? I don't know if I can say "YES!" just yet, but I'm sure gonna work real hard at gettin' there.

AMEN!

A New Song, An Old Feeling

2011-09-07T14:41:00.000-07:00

I love music. Any music. All music! I have over 9000 songs in my music library, ranging from Chopin to Third Day, Duke Ellington to Dropkick Murphy... and then some! One of my ex-boyfriends burned a few data CD's of music for me, years ago, and I am always surprised at some of the songs I have because there were hundreds on those CD's. Yesterday, with my Zune on random, I heard a song I've never heard before & it brought me right back to some of the most spiritually intense, moving times of my life.... it was wonderul, and it reminded me of where I want to be- where I've come, and where I want to return.

If I Stand

Rich Mullins

There's more that rises in the morning

Than the sun

And more that shines in the night

Than just the moon

It's more than just this fire here

That keeps me warm

In a shelter that is larger

Than this room

And there's a loyalty that's deeper

Than mere sentiments

And a music higher than the songs

That I can sing

The stuff of Earth competes

For the allegiance

I owe only to the giver

Of all good things

So if I stand let me stand on the promise

That you will pull me through

And if I can't, let me fall on the grace

That first brought me to You

And if I sing let me sing for the joy

That has born in me these songs

And if I weep let it be as a man

Who is longing for his home

There's more that dances on the prairies

Than the wind

More that pulses in the ocean

Than the tide

There's a love that is fiercer

Than the love between friends

More gentle than a mother's

When her baby's at her side

And there's a loyalty that's deeper

Than mere sentiments

And a music higher than the songs

That I can sing

The stuff of Earth competes

For the allegence

I owe only to the Giver

Of all good things

So if I stand let me stand on the promise

That you will pull me through

And if I can't, let me fall on the grace

That first brought me to You

And if I sing let me sing for the joy

That has born in me these songs

And if I weep let it be as a man

Who is longing for his home

And if I weep let it be as a man

Who is longing for his home

Not a Soul Cry, but a Soul Crying.

2011-09-04T21:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I learned that one of my friends lost her son in a bicycling accident. I am absolutely heart-broken for her family, and my soul is crying for her.

This started me thinking about the difference between being sympathetic vs. being empathetic. We often say "Oh, I know how you feel..." when we're trying to talking to others, but do we really know how they feel? Can we ever?

I know that I did not have a vision or what I call a "Soul Cry" when her son died. I know that I did not have any sort of Divine intervention telling me to pray for them, or that some unimaginable tragedy has happened... I just wept for the pain that I knew she was feeling. Losing someone is so horrible, and knowing someone who's lost someone has got to be one of the closest "next worst" things on the proverbial list.

It's probably been mentioned in a few of my posts, but I'm going to talk about it again... when I first started having my visions, premonitions, and empathic feelings of sharing other people's pain, I was a freshman in college, and it was so, so hard. By the time I'd finished college, so many loved ones had died unexpected deaths, I couldn't cope with it! One of my friends at the time had said "The shortest verse in the Bible is this: Jesus wept." That has always stuck with me. Now, I totally fail at quoting exact verses, so I couldn't begin to tell you where it is, but I know it's there... I've found it myself before, randomly while flipping through pages, seeking words of comfort.

Jesus wept. He didn't have to, He knew that there was a bigger plan, that everything and everyone had their time and place on this earth, but in His human form, Jesus wept when his friend died. God wept for the compassion He felt in this frail and fragile human body that was a man named Jesus.

I used to call this gift a "cursed gift" but I don't feel that way anymore. These Gifts of the Spirit have helped me to help other people, and I am doing my best every day to surrender to that! If only there were a way to control when and where it happens, but that defeats the purpose of surrendering to God. *half grin*chuckle* Oh, the irony when the human mind tries to logically reason with the Holy Spirit!

Sorry for the slightly disjointed thoughts right now, my writing has been feeling more like a glorified brainstorm lately. I'm hoping that goes back to normal after I get back into a better routine.

Dear Lord,

Please keep angels with my friends as they mourn the loss of their beloved son. As a parent who lost His only Son to this world, You have felt their pain. Help to heal their hearts, and let them see little signs of your Glory and their son down their road to recovery. Please help comfort their pain and sorrow as they get used to living with the hole in their heart, and help them to receive Your Glory, help them to fill that hole with nothing but Your love.

Amen.

My Buddy, JC.

2011-08-26T18:05:00.000-07:00

Jesus Christ is my buddy. He goes where I go, no matter what. Have you thought about that? It definitely makes you re-think some of your choices... I haven't always thought about having JC at my side- I mean- I knew, proverbially, He was there, but in the last few years I have really been aware of Him.

Do you talk to people who practice other branches of the Christian faith? I have quite a few friends who actually left the Catholic church, and their primary reason for being "born again" and "rebaptized" was because they never felt like they had a personal relationship with Jesus. I try so hard to understand their perspective, how they could say that they went to church every week, Sunday School, Youth Group, etc, and not have a relationship with Christ? It makes me very sad for them, that they missed one of the best friends they could ever have had for the last 20-30 years of their lives. But-- it also made me instantly think of the movie Dogma, and how they're trying to promote the Catholicism-WOW! movement with the image of the Buddy Christ- aka Sacred Heart Christ giving a winking thumbs-up. The first time I saw that movie was in college, and we had the members of Catholic Club watch it. If you haven't seen it, or saw it and hated it, I ask you to watch it again- with a little more of an open mind, and really look at the message it's trying to get out into pop-culture. (No, I don't think God is really Alanis Morrisette, doing cartwheels barefoot in the grass, or a homeless man playing skeet ball) But really- bring Jesus down to you!

Talk to Jesus like you would a friend. Yes, it's good to have formal prayer times, but I challenge you to keep an open dialogue with Him. Encourage your friends & family to participate in this challenge.... You'd be surprised how present Jesus is in your life, whether you knew it or not.

Mary's Got the Blues.... ?????

2011-08-23T15:40:00.000-07:00

Last night, on my way home ... (I feel like a lot of my blogs are starting this way lately???)... I was listening to Sacred Heart Radio and with the stormy weather, the AM station was going in-n-out.

It was the (somewhat cheesy) Rosary with the pretty music and the people with the Irish accents lilting through the decades, and I absolutely love it. The Rosary is my favorite prayer so far, and I find so much peace and strength in it.

I was letting myself fall into rhythm when it was lost to static... and when the radio station came back, it was Blues music! I don't know how that happened, but last night's ride home not-so-smoothly transitioned from one of my most favorite Holy things to one of my most favorite secular things. Talk about Utopia!

Now.... if only I could find someone who would pray the Rosary with me and lead me in blues dances for the rest of my life....

You Can't be Baptized in Milk Shakes!

2011-08-17T14:25:00.000-07:00

Isn't that an absolutely hillarious visual image?! I love it!

Driving in to work today, EWTN's 7am broadcast of The Catechism, with Fr. Nagel (a rebroadcast of a show that aired in March, year unknown- I wish they would offer bibliographies on their programming or something!) He was talking about the Sacraments, and it was great. Let me tell you, though, I wish they had transcripts I could read over after I'm done commuting! It's really hard to take notes and drive at the same time!

While talking about the Sacraments, he was talking about the "stuff" of Sacraments- using physical things to help us relate to God, Jesus, the Mysteries, and the Miracles. That's when the reference came up about the right parts for a Sacrament, that you have to have the right tools in place, you have to have a minister, you have to have the intention... "You have to baptize in water; you can't use a milk shake or pop..."

Fr. Nagel also talked about how the Sacraments need to be performed in the right place, in the Church. Sharing in these life-changing events is something that needs to be done - quite literally - through Him, with Him, in Him, in unity with the Holy Spirit and the body of Christ- the church-body of Christ. Your Faith Community is where you find the strength as you reach these important times in your life!

It really made me miss having a Faith Community. I long to find that fellowship, especially with some fellow women of Faith. It's such a challenge.

This feels somewhat disjointed. I will have to revise and maybe even repost later... ttfn- ta ta for now!

Please Pray

2011-08-12T09:42:00.001-07:00

Pray for Big Joe.

He is sick, in the hospital for a week (?) now, and is still not getting any better.

Please, pray for him and his family.

Thank you,
In Christ.

Eeeny-Meeny-Miney-MO! ...?

2011-08-09T11:58:00.000-07:00

Listening to NPR (National Public Radio) on the way into work today, they were discussing how theological scholars were debating whether or not to continue accepting Adam & Eve's creation story in Genesis. Some theologian from somewhere (you can tell I was really engaged in what he had to say) said that it's scientifically and statistically impossible for the entire human race to have come from just two people. He said that it would take about 10,000 people to create the world we have today, and that science shows humans are descendants of primates.

Hm.

I guess I didn't realize we could pick-n-choose what to believe in the Bible. I mean, obviously we can, "free will" and all... but really? I think that study, with all of their statistical facts and findings, missed the whole point of what it means to have Faith. If I sit there and pick any random teaching, of course science can prove it "wrong".... it doesn't mean I believe in it any less. Yes, science shows that evolution exists, and I believe that- if you have brown rabbits and white rabbit living in a field of hay, the brown rabbits are going to blend better, the white rabbits will not be able to hid from prey as easily, and slowly the brown rabbits will exist in that field.... because of natural selection, because of survival of the fittest, the fastest rabbits who blend in will survive and pass their genes to generations after them. It doesn't mean I think that humans came from monkeys, but it does mean that I believe in evolution. Who's to say that God didn't create natural selection to help species evolve and survive for their environment?

You can choose to believe in Faith and science, but you have to be opened to both.

Breath of Heaven (I found this post in my "drafts"- somehow it wasn't published?!)

2011-08-08T14:16:00.000-07:00

(This blog entry was started back in December 2010, when I was still in choir, when I was singing the solo as Mary for the song Breath of Heaven. Sadly, we had to cancel the concert, and due to the severity of my cat allergies and how many choir members had cats, I had to make the difficult decision to leave Songs of Sonoro)

Mary really had to trust, a lot. Blindly. Wow. I've written about how Mary's "Yes" led her down her path, and how my "Yes" led me to Norway... hardly the same, but for me, it was still a huge risk.

But I digress....

The lyrics to Breath of Heaven are written in the first person, Mary wondering if what she's done was the right choice, if her "Yes" was the answer she should have given. I don't know, maybe it has something to do with me being raised and most comfortable as a Roman Catholic Woman of Faith, but I really do identify with Mary. Not to say- not at all- that I think I'm like her, but more that she is a role model, a hero-if you will, to look up to. She had to have the ultimate Faith. Does this mean that, in scripture, it shows where Mary doubted God? I can't answer that- sadly, I'm not that well versed. What it does mean to me is that it's okay to have moments of doubt. God still leads you down your path, you can still have Faith that He will do that for you, even as you doubt that you're going the right direction.

It wasn't until I was practicing for the solo, embracing the words, the meaning, becoming the "voice" in the piece, that it really dawned on me... My doubts in Faith, no matter how incredibly trivial they seemed, were okay. I mean- if Mary could doubt God's plan, then surely it was okay that I did, right? As long as I find my voice and say "Yes."

Faith in the 21st Century

2011-08-08T10:43:00.000-07:00

We often don't realize how today's culture influences our knowledge and understanding of things, especially for children. Here's the conversation I overheard while browsing around the Catholic book store in my town

Boy, "Daddy, who do you like better- God or Jesus?"

Father, "Well, I like them both the same."

Boy, "No, Dad. You have to pick one!"

Father, "No, son, see- it's like God is inside of Jesus."

Boy, "Oh. Why did Jesus eat God?"

Father, "No, no, no. It's more like God and Jesus are the same."

Boy, "Oh. Okay. (pause) Dad? Why do they have fairies with Jesus?"

Father, "What?! Oh- those aren't fairies, son, those are angels."

Boy, "Noooo. Blue Angels are airplanes. These are blue fairies."

Father, "No, the Blue Angels are blue planes that are nick-named 'angels'. These statues are of actual angels wearing blue robes, with Jesus."

Boy, "Oh. Okay."

It was so precious, I smiled right down to my soul and said to myself, "I miss kids' logic." I was in the elementary schools for a while when I was still a school-of-ed major in college, and it was so refreshing and entertaining to listen to how kids processed the everyday stuff we take in and take for granted!

Prayers for Norway

2011-07-22T13:59:00.000-07:00

Oslo was rocked by multiple bombings and a tragic shooting today. Please, pray for everyone affected. I visited there for Holy Week last year, and it was such a beautiful, peace-filled, accepting country... One of my friends there said it's the worst tragedy that's happened there since WWII. My heart aches for them.

Lord, please keep the people of Norway close to you in this time of terrible tragedy. Let them to feel Your presence and comfort as You dry their tears and calm their hearts. Amen.

International Fellowship

2011-07-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

I've been checking out my stats in the blogging world lately, and was incredibly delighted to see that people all over the world have been hopefully inspired by what I've shared over the last 2 years! So- who's been reading?

In no specific order: US, Russia, China, Japan, Ukraine, Georgia, UK, Thailand, German, and Iran! The darker the green, the more hits on the website. I only wish that more people would comment. I would hope that this can be a place for open conversation about faith-based discussions.

While you're here, please say a prayer for a friend of mine who is struggling with a life of vocation.

A prayer for vocation:

Almighty Father,

You send the gift of Your Holy Spirit

for the building of Your Kingdom.

With the help of this Spirit,

Give us the grace to listen to Your call in our lives.

Give us strength & courage to do Your will.

Grant us wisdom & humility to choose Your way

even when we find it most difficult.

Lord, bless all the faithful in Your church

who are seeking holiness,

But in a special way,

watch over priests, borthers, & sisters.

Help them to give their lives in joyful service

that they may be signs of Your presence among us.

We beg you, Father,

to fill our hearts with a burning desire to follow Jesus.

May there be many who offer their lives

for the service of Your church,

that all may come to know and love You.

We ask this through Christ our Lord,

Amen.

♪♫ Oh Lord, Hear My Prayer ♫♪

2011-07-18T12:28:00.000-07:00

*giggle* Aren't the music notes delightful? Really- it's the little things in life, like key-shortcut combos. ☺

There are three songs I remember from the Taize prayers in Tower Chapel at PLU. The one that I find myself singing the most is this:

Oh Lord, hear my prayer,
Oh Lord, hear my prayer,
When I call, answer me.
Oh Lord, hear my prayer,
Oh Lord, hear my prayer,
Come and listen to me.

It is so comforting- Taize, this meditation melody, all of the above! I close my eyes and imagine one candle in the center of my heart, and that candle spreading light through out my entire body until it radiates through my entire being... *speechless grin*

I wish there was a way I could share that feeling of balance, focus, Agape; the presence of God's love is so amazing in those moments. I've been yearning for it more and more, and unfortunately find it harder and harder to encounter lately. (Mostly because my 75 lb dog crawls onto my lap and starts licking my face as soon as I sit down.) I use my daily commute to talk to God- it's not ideal, as I have to split my attention with God so I can pay attention to traffic... Yay! for multitasking!! A lot of times I will either start or end with that song... in my head, I hear the harmonies that go with the melody, and I like to think that it's my guardian angel singing with me, helping to intercede.

I will close today's blog with another song I sing a lot, also from the Taize meditations. The melody doesn't actually resolve, and I kinda like it that way because it's like an open invitation for God to come and live within:

Take, oh take me as I am.
Summon all that I can be.
Set Your seal upon my heart
and live in me.

Fill in the Blank.

2011-07-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

On my way in to work today I found myself listening to Sacred Heart Radio again. It was Sisters in Christ talking about our relationships with Jesus, and a car drove by with about 13 various Christian bumper-stickers. The one that stuck out the most was a little black rectangle that had white font & said :

Jesus is _______.

It was perfect timing, as one of the sisters was saying what her relationship was with Jesus, what it meant to have different kinds of relationships with Our Lord, and that sort of thing.

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see that bumper-sticker? What's the first word that comes to your mind? For me, it was "cool". I know, how very 7th grade, right?! I guess my heart must be communing with Him as a brother, a friend. Next word, of course, was "amazing." AMEN! How true is that?! We might not always keep a present thought on God's son, but He's always with us, always thinking about us, just waiting for us to say "Hey there, wanna come play?"

I don't have tons of time right now, but it's one of my goals to keep up the good posts. Please, share your thoughts!

Tid-bits of Inspiration (title track)

2011-07-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

Since my junior year of college, I've been thinking about writing a book of some sort. I've bounced around some different ideas and concepts, and have some brainstorming word-documents I've transferred from one computer to another with every upgrade. My brother got me a great book Putting Your Passion into Print, and I've been working my way through that book- it's written pretty well, two points for my lil' bro!

It hit me today while I was driving in to work while listening to EWTN. Not sure how or why the inspiration hit me while I was on the freeway, but it did.

I have 2 composition notebooks, a lovely stack of post-it's, and some of my favorite pens. *grin* Now, I'm just waiting for tid-bits of inspiration to start rolling downhill!

Is there anything you'd like to read about, something I've talked about in my blogs on which I should follow up?

I fixed my blogger settings so I'm now notified when you comment! My sincerest apologies that it took me over 2 years to find your last comments.

Daily Inspiration

2011-05-13T12:58:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love quotes. I surround myself with them, I put them at the bottom of my emails in a signature, I carry a book of quotes that I've collected, I have pages of them printed at home, and book after book of various kinds of quotes for every occassion!

My daily inspiration has been a quote that came through one of my (many) email subscriptions for a quote-of-the-day:

"I believe in the sun even when it's not shining.

I believe in Love even when I am alone.

I believe in God even when He is silent." ~WWII refugee

Now, while my times are not NEARLY as hard as the survivers of WWII, or the thousands of people affected by what's been happening in nature and politics around the world these last few weeks, my life- like many others- has suffered droughts of love, droughts of faith, and definately times that have felt like never ending night.

I don't believe that God is ever, truly, silent. He may be listening, He may be observing, but I don't believe He leaves us with an absense of presence. I believe that, most often, we don't hear God because we are way too preoccupied. Sometimes rightfully so, but none-the-less, preoccupied. Take, for example, the concept of an unanswered prayer. Often times we will look back and say "Thank God for unanswered prayers." A blessing in disguise, right?

Now- please don't get me wrong- I am NOT saying that the horrors that have happened through out history are unanswered prayers, or prayers, or lack-of-God... that's a whole other topic of Good vs. Evil that I'm not getting into right now.

I'm saying that- as a single person living in the Pacific Northwest who has been feeling her faith falter off and on for the last few years, even when I don't feel the sun through the rain, even though I don't have someone to come home to, even though I don't always go to church--- the sun comes up, I see and feel love all around me, and I know that God is near.

It's Been a While

2011-04-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

I went to Mass last week. It felt right. It felt good. It was perfect timing.

Then I realized the reason why I've been avoiding Catholic churches so much these last few years- I would not know what to do if I walked in and a certain someone happened to be the guest priest or deacon for that weekend. How well do you think it'd go over, to walk up and slug a priest?

Yeah. Not so much.

BUT, that's when I said "God, I put my faith in You, that You will protect me from hurt when/if that time ever comes." *shrug* Here's to hoping!

I did also contact the leader for junior high/high school faith formation. I want to be involved. I know that God has given me so much that I need to share, it's not fair of me to keep it all bottled up inside just because the person who really helped me find who I am as a Christian and as a Catholic then renounced our friendship and crushed my soul! (hmmm.... I thought I was done being bitter- guess not!?)

So, yeah. Hopefully I will be able to meet with the director for the older kids' faith formation classes, and start helping out with that ASAP.

I'm excited!

A Christmas Angel at Benaroya

2010-12-09T19:53:00.000-08:00

Monday night I went to the PLU Christmas Celebration concert at Benaroya Hall... It was so magical, and here is why:

One of God's most precious & charished children sat next to me tonight. In clean- but well worn, stained clothes, hugging her beloved and soiled teddy bear to her chest, a woman in her late 30's, maybe early 40's, eyes blind, dug through her backpack and pulled out a rosary. During Chorale's first piece, she touched each bead, running it through her curled and slightly deformed fingers. At the end of the song, which was a magical latin piece sung by candle light, she waited just long enough after the 'last musical moment' and then let a little giggle escape as she smiled from skin-to-soul. Before the next song, it looked like she pulled out an old tape recorder, but I couldn't tell. (for her sake, I hope she was able to capture some of the music so she could bring it with her! Lord knows, she wouldn't be able to buy the cd!)

As we all stood up to sing the carol and the orchestra played the first two notes of a hymn I have never heard, she softly and delightfully exclaimed, "I love this one!" and sang- quite beautifully- every single word, as if singing in God's chorus of angels.

After the choirs had left the orchestra on stage for their instrumental pieces, by the third note of their first piece, my little angel-friend whispered "Hanson!" and, sure enough, the piece was composed by Jeffrey Bell-Hanson. At this point, she pulled out her rosary again. There is nothing quite so recognizable or comforting to a Catholic... hearing the soft click of the prayer beads, each tiny tap symbolic of a resounding plea for faith, peace, and God.

The second piece, also by Hanson, left her completely still- for the first time since she sat down, no rocking, no prayer beads, no movement whatsoever. She relaxed into the chair, allowing her weary self to rest, and an amazed and breathy "wow" was all she said as the piece continued...

The more solemn pieces invoked more emotions, more rocking, more clicking of the rosary beads, fervrent prayer, and-- I tell you-- the Kingdom of God came down to earth right there, at Benaroya during the Choir of the West performance of Long Long Ago. I know in my heart that the only reason I had words at this moment is so I can share this with you.

This child of God, this angelic voice, this woman of Faith, trapped inside a body that has been her enemy since birth, is exactly why I love God. Faith. Music. I long to hold her hand and pray with her. I long to worry for her, knowing full well that she has a hard life. I found comfort in the fact that she has her faith, her music, and thought to sneak that recorder in her backpack so she can carry this amazing gift of music that PLU brings to communities. I wish I could know her story! To share three cups of tea, to prepare and share a meal, to break bread, to laugh, cry, and pray with her, to share fellowship in the Lord.

I want to learn from her. So simple, such joy, such faith. Such a blessed soul.

She is my Christmas Angel.

New Ink

2010-10-20T16:16:00.000-07:00

"...waiting for the pend to dry up so (she) can start fresh with thoughts that are worth new ink..."

I promise, I'm trying to write... it's just "STUCK" right now...

A linked post....

2010-10-15T16:57:00.001-07:00

... from my regular blog. Don't feel like retyping it.

Breathe In, Breathe Out (lather, rinse, repeat)

I Haven't Forgotten..

2010-10-12T21:58:00.001-07:00

I promise... I will write here, soon.

Thank You, SIR, May I Have Another!

2010-05-04T10:29:00.000-07:00

Yup- you read that right. I am now asking for Soul Cries.

I realized that if anything happened to Camilla, her family, or Gunvor, I would want to know about it asap. The best way to do that is to allow the open communication between them and me- aka the Holy Spirit, which brought us all together.

I still haven't heard anything from the priest I mailed a letter to before my Nordic adventures, and I had also spoke with someone who said his wife's friend would be good to talk to, but I haven't heard anything from her either... so, I'm catching the hint as well as feeling brave enough to acknowledge that I am strong enough to experience these Soul Cries on my own. I will not fear them any longer, rather, I will use my prayer to deepen my understanding, and my understanding to deepen my prayer. (sounds confusing, but it makes sense in my soul, and that's where it needs to make the most sense)

We'll see where this acceptance of the Lord's request takes me... I'm pretty sure it won't be easy, and I'm pretty sure it will be intense... but I am ready.

Live, from Norway to Today

2010-04-22T21:09:00.000-07:00

I wrote a letter to a local priest about everything, and how I was hoping to have this all resolved before leaving for Norway, but I never heard back from him. (Come to think of it, I still haven't heard back from him... why does this not seem to be important to anyone but me! I need help processing and coping with these Soul Cries!) Feeling as if I was alone on a tight rope, balancing between bravery in the face of my biggest fears and total surrender to the dark depression that lay behind me, I took a deep breath and focused on doing whatever needed to be done to be there for Camilla.

I went to Norway. My "YES!" to God's call here, and Camilla's email, brought me back to church half way around the world, and rekindled that flame, that passion for Christ's love.

Actually, it all started in Boston as I was on my way to Norway. Anyone who's been reading my blogs over the last few years knows that a huge hurdle between me and God right now is David, and the pain and hurt he's caused me. You also know that I've acknowledged that forgiving him is going to be the ultimate in what I need to do to feel right with my Faith. I started taking steps towards healing and forgiving by googling his name and finding that he was ordained, and that a lot of what he talked about as turning points in his path involved many personal conversations and moments that he and I had shared. It didn't make his hurtful words any easier to live with, but it did give me a sense of validation for the anger I felt when he denied our friendship.

So- back to Logan Airport- I get a call from my mom saying that David had replied to Camilla on FB about her conversion and me being her sponsor, saying that he was thinking about me during his morning reading, how the one who loves much suffers much in the context that Jesus loves us so much that he suffers interiorly for us, that it was beautiful, and that I have a very big heart. This is a subject that he and I talked about quite a bit because of my Soul Cries. At first I was very angry- who does he think he is, and why does he think he has the right to "think about me" after he did what he did!!! Then I remembered that I have been asking God to give him a sense of conviction about how he had chosen to end our friendship... While I don't know that David will ever apologize, or could ever do or say anything to heal my soul after what he did, I believe that this is as close to that as it will get.

After crying and then composing myself while waiting for my flight, I just kept praying- so hard- that God give me strength to attend mass, since being a sponsor sort of means that I need to be PRESENT at the mass.

I can't begin to explain to you how perfect it was, having mass in a language that I didn't understand. It almost helped me to focus more on the Spirit in the mass! I mean- at Easter Vigil my first prayer was "Lord, I'm in Your house, it's a language that I don't understand, so please- speak directly to me, let me hear Your message. Amen" And you know what? I understood the next few sentences spoken about the Pope and his message from the Vatican. After mass I asked Camilla why they said all of that in English, and she assured me they didn't... and the words "...you shall speak my words in foreign lands and all will understand..." came to mind. Was I understanding God's words in a foriegn land? Yes! And I didn't feel lost during mass because it's the same in any language- that's the beauty of mass. You can go to almost any country, walk into a Roman Catholic church, and know exactly where they are in the mass because it's the same liturgy. It was almost better than having the mass in English because I had to actually focus harder and recall the translation from years of Sunday service. It was nice one-on-one time with God without having to be alone.

David's birthday happened to be one of the days this week, and - gotta love those social networking sites telling you what friends are doing - Camilla wrote on his wall... he replied, and said to "extend well wishes to Melinda" along with Camilla's family. Again, I caught myself saying "he has no right to ask her to do that.." and then stopped myself, prayed that God will help to heal my heart and move me on from this garish scar on my soul.

When Camilla and I went into town, we spent about 2 hours at lunch just catching up on the last 7 years or so. She reminded me of how I taught her to pray the rosary, and how it was such an important moment in her faith formation. I felt bad at first, because I didn't remember, and then I realized that I was just being me- that's who I am. Blessed Teresa of Calcuta said "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." I'm not saying that I am anyone's world, but I see now that who I am in my day-to-day life has a direct and positive impact on those around me. It was a very humbling moment for me. My dear friend then shared how both David and I had been so important in her steps toward Catholicism... and we realized that she was not aware of everything that had happened since that fateful April night 2 years ago. It was then that I shared how I had been wounded so deeply that I haven't been to church since, and that I didn't know if I was strong enough to open back up to the memories and the pain now associated with what used to bring so much joy and fellowship for me. I cried, but it was a healing cry.

That night, the priest who performed the mass was a younger, tall, slender man, with an infectious grin, a light hearted laugh, and very distinct mannerisms that reminded Camilla and I of David. Pater Pål. I wouldn't be surprised if he said the same sort of things that David says, just in Norwegian instead of English or Spanish. Again, I cried. Tears to heal, tears of mourning for a friendship lost, and more tears of healing.

So, yeah- 4 days in Norway and the taboo-ex-friend of mine has been in my face three times. But that's not all. We were talking about the Holy Spirit, and the mysticism of the Faith, and how sometimes that can be the hardest to swallow... I shared the story of my Soul Cries. Camilla shared a moment she had that really started her down her path. Turns out that we both had significant experiences involving the Holy Spirit in 1998, in a church in France. 1998 was declared by Pope John Paul II to be the year of the Holy Spirit.

(I'm noticing a theme here...)

At mass that night I prayed that Camilla would feel the Spirit move inside her, helping her to feel and understand the fullness It brings. No sooner had I said "Amen" then she turned to me and whispered "ONE MORE DAY!", holding up one finger and showing so much excitment and light in her eyes that I thought for sure she was a child on Christmas morning after Santa came with presents! It was beautiful. Again, I cried.

Between David and the Holy Spirit, I cried quite a bit at church this first week of Easter!

Day 5 itinerary was -meet w/priest, Camilla's 1st Confession -interview with national newspaper -mass.
Maybe Day 5 was when we had dinner with Pater Pål? I don't remember... I just know that mass felt better and better every day, even though I still didn't understand anything but the latin music and the eucharist. Every day was better and better, and I felt more and more at home in the Church. I met an amazing woman, Gunvor Johanne, and felt an instant connection. We decided that I am Camilla's US-Gunvor and Gunvor is Camilla's Norway-Melinda. It was so wonderful to just share mass and dinner with them. The fellowship that was faith based was so amazing, and something that I've missed since I was at PLU and still had Jenny and David as friends. (I really don't think either one of them knows how much they meant to me and how much they have hurt me by their actions and non-actions)

Day 6, I had a silent meltdown at about 2am. Seeing Camilla, knowing I would be leaving her in less than a day, having David in my face almost every day all week long after working so hard to FORGET him, confronting my fears of opening up to Soul Cries again without any sort of support network in place, and realizing I felt like I had finally found a few solid women of Faith and I would be half way around the world from them for most of my life... I think it was all just an emotional overload.

The day I left, I thanked God here and there, all the way back home. It was such a wonderful journey, and such an amazing and humbling experience, knowing that me being exactly who I am and allowing the Spirit to work through me had made such a strong impact on one of my friends... and found it oddly comforting that David had such a presence while I was there. (And at the same time, it really, really pisses me off! Why does he still have to be involved in my Faith! How can I move on from him if he keeps popping up?)

I wish there was a smooth resolve to this blog, but I don't think there is. I feel like there's so much more that I haven't been able to express that is moving inside me- with God, with processing and accepting Soul Cries on my own, and even with the lingering haunt of David. I got an email from FB the other day saying he'd commented on a wall post I'd made on Camilla's wall. I just about fell off my chair when I saw his name in my inbox after 2 years. Seeing his name, hearing his name, seeing his picture, being reminded of what he said and did- all of it still stops my heart and hurts my soul. Someday I won't feel any more pieces of me die because of him. In the mean time, I'm going to focus on everything ELSE....

Soul Sign

2010-04-20T06:55:00.000-07:00

Soul Sign

The essence of soul is Love, the energy of connection. It prompts you to give and support, and eventually to experience deep unity.

This was the email from Soul Journey that I received today.... it is incredibly relevant, and I will be writing more about this soon, I promise!

Where Will Your "Yes" Take You?

2010-03-26T13:55:00.000-07:00

Every morning, on the way into work, I try to listen to Sacred Heart Radio AM 1050. Sometimes it comes in crystal clear, sometimes I get a sports talk show, and sometimes I get a spanish talk show... it's kind of a game. Yesterday, 03/25/10, was the Feast of the Annunciation, and the radio was coming in clear.... Dr. Tom Curran was talking about Mary's Yes, and what that means. Then he asked the listeners "where will your "yes" take you?"

My answer - Norway! As Holy Week approaches, I am preparing for a trip to Oslo, Norway. One of my good friends from PLU is becoming Catholic and she asked that I be her sponsor. Of course I said "YES!" I was so honored and humbled to be asked.

Of course, there's a lot more to that "yes" than trans-Atlantic travel and 14 hours on a plane next week. It means being in a right place to communicate with God again. It means going to church- not only mass, but services during Holy Week- again. It means celebrating- with genuine joy of spirit- without David. It means opening myself to receive Soul Cries again. And I think I can do it.

For the last 4 weeks I have been trying to get in touch with the priests at my local church, wanting to discuss a few things before standing up to sponsor someone else in their faith-journey. Unfortunately, it's been a game of phone tag. When I was finally able to speak to one of them, he said it'd probably be better for me to speak with the head priest, my situation was more the other one's area of expertise. (I sort of expect that reaction now... it seems when I talk to someone about my issues with faith, which are Soul Cries and David, that's usually the reaction I get... the depth of what I experience scares people.) Last night I was really hurt by the fact that I can't seem to find someone who believes my situation is a priority during their preparation for Holy Week. (yes, that is supposed to sound a little sarcastic- I mean, really, who I am?!) Why do I have to bear this burden ALONE?! But then I started to think about what Dr Curran had said, about how Mary said "YES" without anyone to stand by her, she had faith that God would get her through.

While I would still like to talk to someone, because I think it will be a HUGE step in the healing process for me, I am going to challenge myself to have the faith that Mary did... Even in Norway, God will get me through. Of course, I pray to God that I don't have a complete emotional-sobbying break down during mass, and I pray to God that I don't have any Soul Cries while I'm thousands of miles away from home, but- like before- when the Spirit needs me to pray for someone, I'll know. (But please, God, if you're going to give me someone's pain, can I please ease into it first? Just a little eensie-weensie twinge... no major events, okay? For once, work with me on this, let me work in baby steps this time)

--
I still need to talk to someone, this I know.... but WHO?

If I'm going to break down the wall that I've worked so hard to protect myself, built between me and God, that means that more Soul Cries and more empathic experiences will happen. It's already started with the whole feeling-someone-else's-pain bit, this last week has been so emotional for me at work- each claimant's fears weigh so heavy on my heart... *sigh* [enter: FEAR] I am still afraid that I am not strong enough to be the intermediary to God, the chanel in which the Spririt travels to reach so many...

I am praying and hoping to find my strength in Mary, in her "yes".

The Light of God

2010-03-22T16:17:00.000-07:00

There is a lot of hurt in my heart right now, and twice in the last hour I have stumbled across the prayer of St Patrick:

The Light of God before me.
The Light of God behind me.
The Light of God above me.
The Light of God below me.
The Light of God within me.

In many of the visions and Soul Cries I've had, Holy beings have been surrounded by this amazing light that brings love and peace... it's such a calming feeling. I know this is the Light of God. As I continue to find this prayer through out the day, I stop and try to envision my soul being comforted and calmed by this radient Light.

Close your eyes. Envision a wonderful, warm summer day, early morning, and how the sun shining on your body is just enough to bring a glow through your eyelids... it seeps in, and as you take a breath, you simply relax. With your eyes still closed, exhale and feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders. God's light has filled you and comforted you... embrace that feeling, and carry it with you.

Inspiration Entering Into Lent

2010-02-18T20:50:00.000-08:00

"Believe that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Believe that you might be that light for someone else." ~ Kobbi Yamada

It's no big secret that I've been absent from the church for quite some time. For lent, this year, I am giving up that absence... and started by missing Ash Wednesday Mass!

Doh- Strike one!

I am starting my journey into lent and life change by getting back into personal meditation and prayer, and stumbled across a website that has some really great guided readings, prayer, and reflection. The first Thursday after Lent begins asks us to focus on remembering God's inspiration, and that His grace is behind all that we do.

This is such an important thing to remember, and I know- I know - that some of my actions have not been so "inspired" lately. But I'm working on it! It's so easy to fall into choice expletives and horribly mean thoughts when a few certain people cross my mind or my path, but I am realizing that I don't like how I feel after...

No esta bien. I am going to make this change happen!

Here is a snippet from the closing prayer:

Lord, let everything I do this day and in this season of Lent come from you, be inspired by you.

I long to be closer to you.

Help me to remember that nothing is important in my life unless it glorifies you in some way....

Heal me, Lord, and help me to find you in the darkness of my life.

Walking in Faith

2010-02-13T00:28:00.001-08:00

This is a picture of one shelf at my grandmother's farm house- it has over 100 years of bibles on it, in three different languages, and it is absolutely amazing to touch these books, close your eyes, and open your heart to the spirituality and faith involved.

I've been very honest and opened about a lot of my struggles, and as I left work today, I had a sign- literal sign- that helped to point me towards where my path is going to take me next. It was a sign for an AM Catholic radio station, and I was brought right back to PLU days & listening to recordings of Catholic radio that David would bring back. (This is the David that crushed my soul by renouncing our friendship, calling it a false friendship of convenience) I realized quite a few things in a matter of seconds- I realized that I am not as bitter as I used to be, because I could actually say his name without cringing, crying, or swearing; I realized that I need to make an effort to find a faith community; I realized that a major healing point for me, and a huge hurdle that I need to work to overcome in my faith struggles involves actually forgiving David for the hurt that he caused me.

Holding on to anger and pain is never healthy. I don't know that I've been holding on to it, necessarily, but I do know that I had to acknowledge the pain I have felt for the last 3-4 years. I do know that it's sometimes okay to take those broken pieces of faith, trust, friendship- everything I used to believe in, take those broken pieces of who I used to be and hold them close to my "self".

Healing takes time. I'm ready to not hurt anymore. I'm ready to welcome God back into my life, 100%, and not put a protective shield around any part of me, because I can see, now, that what David did was not of God. It was nothing God would ever want him to do! And really, my first step in moving foward with this realization is praying for David.

How does this all come back to the century of bibles? Amazing leaps of faith. The oldest books came over from Europe in the beginning of the 20th century. That faith helped to build a strong and loving family, and while the bitterness and pain I've felt towards David and even God, at times, has nothing to do directly with my family, I feel like I'm cheating everyone who's lives I touch by not opening my heart to God.

I am ready to take the risk of loving for God again. I am ready to fall back into step on my path, and I am ready to add my bible to the shelf that holds over 100 years of faith.

----
Oh, my Lord,

Please hold me close and bring comfort as I take a terrifying step towards you. I yearn to feel You in my life again, and I cannot feel You fully if I am guarding my heart against Love.

Please help me to forgive David, for I know You have used him to do your work, and I know he wants You to use him still. I can see, now, that his actions over the last few years were of his own free will, and I pray that you help him to see the error in his ways. I don't pray for selfish reasons- I don't know that I am ready to have him back in my life- but I do pray that he never feel he is justified in treating or talking to anyone that way ever again.

Please guide me to a faith community that will embrace and support me, a faith community in which I can do Your will.

Please help me to open myself again, I am tired of being closed off to You.

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost,
Amen

Angels Among Us

2010-01-14T21:47:00.000-08:00

My mom's cousin has bad cancer, all over her body, and just had a port put in. She started her chemo treatments recently, and her first visit, while waiting, a woman came up to her and said "Everything's going to alright, you're going to be okay."

Which was nice, one stranger comforting another, and then she looked at the woman's name tag, it said "Olga"...

Olga was her mother's name.
------------
I believe that angels are among us, everyday , everywhere, and we only have to be open to hear them.

Let Go and Let God...

2009-12-04T16:01:00.000-08:00

I'm sure I've used this title before, but I'm using it again, because sometimes this is all that you can do... and right now, this is all I can do.

Because of my wonderful (note:sarcasm) downstairs neighbor's harassment, I have made the decision to break my lease 6 months early and move into a house... or so I am hoping. My current property owner said that my last-month deposit will cover my being in the condo through 12/21, and then I will be charged per diem after that, which I can handle, and he said he wouldn't hold me to contract for rent until the unit is leased to someone else, which is very generous of him.

Come to find out, through negotiations with the property owner for the house, that he will give me the option of a month-to-month lease so I don't have to lay out $4400 (first/last/security deposit + pet deposit) but I still need to put down $3000 (first/security deposit + pet deposit) asap, that he cannot hold the property if someone else comes first that can pay the full deposit.

I have to agree to the terms for the condo by 12/11, and cannot put a full deposit down for the house at once- I put in an offer of putting down $1200 12/25, $1400 01/08, and the $400 pet deposit after that... I'm just waiting to hear back from the property manager, who has been an amazing GOD SEND through all of this!!!

So, it's out of my hands. I have to pray that the home owner finds compassion and understanding in his heart to accept my offer. Otherwise I could potentially be homeless as of 12/21... and that's a scary thought. I mean, my parents have offered to let me move back home until I find a place, and I'd have to rent a storage unit...

It's time to leave work now.... and you can bet your buttons I'm going to be praying the entire way home.
-----------------------------------------------------

So- what I haven't had the chance to add is that, right after I posted this with a prayer, the property manager called me and said that my final proposal was acceptable!! Now it's just a matter of negotiating a move-in date. I hope I can move before the 21st, otherwise I will technically be "homeless" and paying per diem at the condo... which can get real expensive, real fast.

Thank GOD for answered prayers!!!

(untitled)

2009-11-05T23:06:00.001-08:00

In reference to the feeling I had and blogged about in 2008, I find myself repeating the chorus to the hymn Be Not Afraid.

Be not afraid, I go before you always. Come, follow me, and I will give you rest.

As I was driving to my parents' house last night, I was hit with the sudden urge to pray for the same family friend. I don't know why, I've been too afraid to call and see how things are- I've just been praying like mad. Why am I afraid? Because these feelings come to me when people are either in or coming close to one of the darkest moments in their life, illness, death, tragedy... and I feel their pain like it's my own, and it's hard. I'm afraid to find out what pain is coming, what pain is here. I guess it's sort of a passive-aggressive way to help God with this prayer request, but I still don't know that I'm strong enough to channel this again. Especially for this family. I mean, my connection with them is what started this all, back in Paris, 1998, when Brandon died... and then when their family wasn't coping and I had the visions and dreams, messages for them... and then when Norm died...

Sometimes I want to throw a tantrum like a 2 year old, stomp my feet, ball up my fists, and shake my head while yelling "No! No! No!"... why can't I know when people are in situations in their life of extreme joy?! (and I already know the answer, so shush- it's a rhetorical question) *sniffle*grin*

Okay, prayer time. I need to get back into my meditations, find my center, my peace. It's the only thing that helps with how intense these "Soul Cries" are. And I think I'm going to close my eyes and imagine my favorite and most comforting mental image, in the arms of the angel... as cheesy as it may seem, when I envision an angel holding me as my soul seeks comfort and my heart prays for those in need, I find my peace.

No "out-loud" prayers tonight, my heart knows what needs to be said.
Amen, and blessed be. <><

My Guardian Angel Smells Like Roses

2009-09-14T19:58:00.000-07:00

For a few years now, I have wanted to write a book about Faith. Steve got me a book called Putting Your Passion Into Print, and while it had a lot of good information, it sort of intimidated me... but, sharing my point of view and my beliefs is more important to me, so I'm trying to find the motivation to get back into the groove.

One of the narratives I have completed is titled "My Guardian Angel Smells Like Roses", and I was just reminded of it the other day as I was driving home from - somewhere - as my car was filled with the faintest smell of sweet, fresh roses. Almost every time I've had a "Soul Cry" I've smelled roses, when I'm lost in thought and prayer, when I'm driving.... the smell is so comforting, words cannot do my soul justice to express how it feels to know that I'm not alone, and that I have a being of light with me, watching over me.

Remember the movie "Michael" with John Travolta, and how people always argued about how he smelled, and it turned out that people would smell whatever scent was comforting to them? That's what this reminds me of- it's so wonderful.

What does your guardian angel smell like?

Guitar 3, Melinda 0

2009-08-10T21:17:00.000-07:00

This photo speaks volumes- these are the broken strings that started my night, one of which snapped back and lashed me across the top of my hand!

You know it's never good when you've got a pair of pliers with your music journal... or when you need both the pliers and a nail file to string your guitar for the second time in an hour. (courtesy of the broken strings, shown above)

Here is how I ended up tying off the ends, since the kid at the music store- who played the sax, not guitar and sold me the first set of strings that were too short and snapped- gave me a set of nylon strings, which was very kind of him. They were, however, plain ended strings. As you can see by the photo below, my guitar is not like standard acoustics, and the saddle & bridge are separated. This makes tying the knots on the plain strings particularly challenging, along with the fact that it makes it a necesity to have LONG strings... Long strings that don't slip and untie like the stinkin' nylon strings do! (this is where the pliers and the nail file come in) I can't tell you how many times the strings would slip out, sending the screws from the "Bone Yard" (aka the saddle) flying all over the room.

This evening was highly frustrating. I was thinking about playing the guitar all day today. My plan was to re-string it with cursed steel strings- figured I'd learn it right to start with- and then I was going to master F#m. As it is now, the nylon strings are definitely easier to hold in the correct position for F#m, but they won't hold a tune for nothin'- by the time I'm done tuning the last string, the first one is about 3 whole steps flat again!

~

Finding my way back to the Path is not meant to be easy. While this evening with the guitar is more comical than not, the entire time I kept thinking "God is not always easy, it's a struggle to find Faith and keep it. This is only the beginning for you, Melinda." How true is that?!

I also found out tonight that one of my dear friend's cousins was killed in a motorcycle accident this past weekend. Saturday night/Sunday morning, while his body shutting down, I wept. No idea why, but I did- I had to- and I prayed for peace and healing- didn't know who it was for, just knew that someone needed it. It was really hard though, because a few of us were sleeping over at a friend's house & I didn't want to wake anyone up.

Another soul-cry. Two in two weeks. I tried to ignore it on Saturday, chalked it up to a sleep-deprived, emotional female moment, but it wouldn't go away. (maybe this is why I had such weird dreams that led to me being terrified of critters on the back deck at 4am?) *sigh*

It's so hard to have these, but I know that God uses me to help those who really and truely need it. I just pray that I can be strong enough when I'm needed. Somehow I need to find my own set of pliers to hold me in place, a nail file to tighten the knot that holds everything together... right now I feel like I'm about to slip back through that hole & send the screws in the "Bone Yard" flying.

Be Inspired.

2009-08-09T00:21:00.000-07:00

I have so much to say, but don't know how to let it out, where to start.

First off... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Going through a bunch of old stuff, I found my old artwork and writing... I didn't realize how much I missed those creative outlets until I was there, looking at what I used to do. I need to get back to writing, back to drawing... painting... playing piano... and now the guitar as well.

This is a very challenging path for me to walk right now, because so much of my joy and my pain that I feel in my soul is expressed through these talents God's given. Since I made the choice to not major in music, I have felt a little twinge of guilt about denying others- and myself- the full extent of the talents I have. I thought that with a minor in Studio Arts, I'd be able to continue sharing, but as more people broke my heart, they stole a piece of my heart, a piece of my soul, a piece of my joy that inspired me- to the point where I haven't been able to allow myself to access any of those creative outlets- if and when I do, I end up crying, sobbing, feeling all of that pain that caused me to seal myself off all over again.

I am choosing to change this! I can't keep living in fear of my own feelings, my own emotions, my own healing process. There have been particular people who have really helped to inspire and encourage me in beginning this journey, and I pray for you all, thanking God for bringing you into my life. (and like I said after that first night, my mom thanks you too! :-) She's so excited that I'm playing piano again!)

There are 24 songs I'm going to learn on keyboard and/or guitar. I dug out my sketch books and will be picking those up from my parents' house this week. Swing dancing, singing jazz songs, photography, and drawing little cards have been only the very tippy top of what lies deep down inside... I'm sorry that I've been cheating all of you!

Hold me to this!!! Don't allow me to not be inspired!!!

Second ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I believe that the above will help me with my Soul Cries. I know that the conversations I've had with some of my friends recently has helped me to gain new perspective, and it really does help to know that I'm not alone. For so long, that has been my biggest fear and hardest hurdle- being alone, feeling like I'm alone, not having anyone who really and truely understands what I mean when I say "I know how it feels..."

Again, I thank God for bringing our paths together, you are such a blessing in my life.

There have been a lot of people who have helped me to get to this place, and you are the ones who are inspiring me.

I Hate to Say It, but I TOLD YOU SO!

2009-08-03T19:16:00.001-07:00

Last weekend, or was it the weekend before??? Jo Ann and I were talking about God, Faith, religion, etc, and I did my best to explain my "Soul Cries". I realized then that it sounds so silly when I verbalize my logic behind so many things in avoiding church and such! Jo didn't realize just how much she was calling my bluff on it, because as I said it outloud instead of journaling or blogging, it sounded so juvenile! When we got back home, she prompted me to share my story with another friend there, which completely took me by surprise.

I liked her logic though- "I know him, I know you, and while you don't know each other well, I know you both, and know this needs to be shared."

So I shared, we all shared a little bit, and I acknowledged within myself, within my soul, that I was going to make the effort to open myself back up... Jo even had us pull Medicine Cards and I turned the Beaver.... very fitting.

(here comes the "I told you so" part)

In the past when I've closed myself off from the Spirit, I've justified it as a self defence mechanism against these cursed-compassionate Soul Cries. I am bound and determined not to let this keep me closed off anymore!!! Last night I had one. I didn't know who for, I didn't know why, I just knew I had to pray, and pray hard. It had me all distraught, and it felt very deep, very heavy, and very solemn. By the time I went to bed, I was convinced I had an army of angels praying with me, and when I woke up today, I could feel the lingering presence, the depth of the dark burning, the intensity of channeling the Spirit with such great force. I did my best to shake the feeling by listening to Bing Crosby, because- well- who doesn't melt when they hear that man sing!

When I got to the office today I walked right back into that intensity. One of the women in my office passed away Thursday morning, very unexpectedly. She'd been working in the office since March 1978- that's longer than I've been alive! I feel at peace about it, which is surprising, but I feel the intensity of everyone else's pain in the office. The thought of going to the funeral makes me hide inside myself because I know that I'll feel all of everyone's pain, but I really feel like I should be there because I have so much experience in grieving, and so much experience helping others find their way on the path through grief to healing.

Hmm... perhaps it's time to stop being selfish and hiding inside myself. Saying "I told you so" doesn't really fit right, but it's true- I always say to my journal that as soon as I open my heart back up to the Spirit, something happens and a Soul Cry hits me right down to my core.

Jo had talked about how- while having a support system is important- I need to be able to find the strength inside myself... I just don't know how to do it! I'm a networker, I like to talk to others, get their take on the situation, how they would handle it- or have handled it- and build my framework from there. Trying to build it alone hasn't worked so far, and trying to find support in building my self-sufficient support system hasn't helped either, because I haven't been able to find anyone who can really and truely understand what I experience. Fr Jack, I think, had the closest understanding of it... but he advised me to seek counsel from a spiritual guide, and all Sister Joan did was tell me it sounded like I had a good start on my own...

Somehow I need to embrace the concept of modern mysticism and build up from there. I just wish I had someone to lean on every now and then...

Rumi, and Other Ramblings

2009-07-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

Being Human is a Guest House
~Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
____________________________________________

I really enjoy reading Rumi. There is always so much to be learned, so much that is in the every day life that we really overlook!

I get readings every day, from soul journey, higher awareness, and various other inspirational/motivational email subscriptions. Sometimes they speak volumes and sometimes I archive them for a later date, when I will randomly select exactly applies to that point in time. It's funny how God, the Universe, whatever higher powers that be- they provide for us in our times of need! Mother Teresa said "I know God will not give me anything I cannot handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." AMEN TO THAT!!! How many times have we been faced with things back to back, to back, over and over again, to the point where we feel like we just can't go on!?! As my grandmother would have said, be grateful that you have a house to maek a payment on, or that you have a car to break down, because some people don't even have that. Take what life gives you, accept it, and change your outcome.

There was a magazine article that had "4 Steps Towards Emotional Discharge" which I thought was an odd title, but I'm rollin' with it. It's actually in the front of my journal, and I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it before. Anyhoo- the first step is 1. Accept whatever happens as the perfect medicine for the situation.

In reality, how hard is that?! Something, or rather someone, helps me to remember this. My very good friend sat in my apartment about 5 years ago, and together we were crying over the death of her grandmother. She took a deep breath, in and out, and said "Everything is as it should be." I have never forgotten that. It seems to be a concept that eludes so many of us, the illusion that we have some sort of control in what happens to everyone everywhere, when- in reality- we can really only control our own actions and reactions to what happens, what is meant to happen.

This is a quote filled entry, but I'm going to leave you with just one more, for the time being.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~Joseph Campbell

2 Corinthians 5:13

2009-07-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

"If we are out of our minds, it is for God..."

This is the quote that I have on my whiteboard right now, and I do intend to keep it up there until I can find another one that both inspires and humbles me.

When I was at PLU, this quote kept me grounded. It reminded me that every time I was called away from my sanity to help other people, that I was doing it because God has given me gifts to help other people. That last year before I got so sick I learned to put myself first. I had the help of a few dear friends (ex-friends) and they helped keep me grounded in Faith and in Life. They helped me realize that it was okay to put myself first and still honor God.

As those two ex-friends hurt me more and more, I stopped going to church because all it did was remind me of 1)the friends God had given me 2)how their free-will choices hurt me which led to 3)all of the emotional coping tools became moot points.

Since then I've tried to go back to church, but it just doesn't fit. Catholic, Lutheran, Non-Denominational... nothing feels right. Could it be that I'm not feeling comfortable in my Faith because I was betrayed by people I loved in that Faith? Could it be that I feel betrayed by what my Faith had given me for so many years, by that comfort that is so elusive now? I know that part of it is because every time I open up my heart I feel so vulnerable to love and hurt that I cry at the thought of it. All of the above, it's a little bit- or a lot- of everything!

I still pray all the time. I still feel the Holy Spirit guiding me day in and day out. But I still feel like something is missing.

Now that things are falling back into place, now that I can no longer ignore this burning for Faith, I am going to keep finding churches to go to, because I know that somewhere there's some Faith Community that is just waiting for me with open arms. I know that there has to be a church where I belong, it's just a matter of finding it... and the search is going to be an adventure, a Faith Adventure. I'm really, quite looking forward to it, actually!!!

Stay tuned- I'll let you know what Sunday brings.

(untitled)

2009-07-02T21:01:00.001-07:00

I just had my palm read at Kent Station by a random older gentleman. He got almost everything right, down to what type of allergies I have, the 2 times I'd fallen in deep love and had my heart broken, and pretty much my whole life... except numbers. He said I was really good with numbers. He also wrote poetry- on the spot poetry. Asked me for a word, I said "idunno" and shrugged... he proceded to make up a poem on the spot! It started "I asked her to dance, she said 'idunno'. I walked away and asked her again, she said yes..." and it went on about how she cautiously opened up, finally let him in to her life, her heart... if that doesn't hit home, "idunno" what does!

The funny thing is, I thought he was an obnoxious old man. When I walked into the little shop he was leaving and said "Be good to yourselves, ladies, just not in public," and chuckled.

Just goes to show that just when I think I can read people, they surprise me!

As I got home, pulled into the parking lot, two gals were playing near my car. One of them is hearing impared, and she usually sits in the window and sort of yells a distorted "HI!!!" to everyone. Her little sister came right up and asked if I could take them swimming at KM. I tried to explain that their parents might not want them to go somewhere with strangers. Unfortunately the little sis translated "strangers" to "bad people" so then I had to try to finger spell my way out of that one!!! :-P KT's going to help me learn some basic conversational ASL, and I'm going to make flashcards. I'll probably ask the gal at work to help me out too.

This is a big week! I'm one step closer to getting my Italian-dual citizenship, I was selected to go to the SSA bilingual conference in Seattle for two days in August, I'm taking claims at work, one of my claimants died before I could tell her she was approved, I had my palm read for the first time ever, and am planning to learn another language!

I feel like my heart is going to explode, in a good way- so filled with blessings and agape love, that's the best way I have to explain it. Maybe I'm more aware of it because of the claims I'm taking, maybe I'm more aware of it because I've started dabbling on the piano again, maybe it's just time for God to start stirring in my soul... I think this time I'm ready for it.

Hail, Mary, Full of Grace... The Lord is with Thee!

2009-04-15T19:58:00.000-07:00

A woman was murdered outside my apt last week, and I haven't been able to sleep very well since it happened. Sunday night, I couldn't take it any more, and I prayed & sobbed my way home from Easter dinner. The only prayer that felt right was the Hail Mary.

And speaking of Mary- Bones's new episode has what everyone thought was an image of the Virgin Mary on a piece of cardboard... of course, this si more of a murder than a miracle, but ironic, no?

Back to the praying. It's been said that Mary will never turn her back on anyone who asks for her prayers. Now, let me clarify- as a Catholic, I'm not praying to Mary, I'm asking her to pray for me. And who knows- maybe it's all in my mind and after 30 minutes of meditation it calmed me down enough to sleep for more than 2 hours, but my faith- my Faith- believes that it's the help of the Holy Family. God the Parent, Jesus the Brother, and the Spirit as guide. My meditations with each round of the prayer was that I would feel the Spirit, sleep easy, and find peace in my soul with everything that happened.

Now, while this prayer is filled with little bits of guilt- CATHOLIC- it's my favorite, and I'm going to share it with you. When you feel lost and not sure how to start praying to the Big Man, start a little smaller, and ask for help with your prayers. Have faith.

Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with Thee!
Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

"A Better Choice"

2009-03-18T21:22:00.000-07:00

from God is not Reasonable and other tales of Mother Macrina

"I need some direction in my life," a woman told Mother Macrina, "and I have been praying a lot for a word from God to tell me what I must do."
"And did you get one?" she asked.
"No, not yet," the woman replied.
"I'm glad to hear it," said Mother Macrina. "Perhaps now you'll try listening to God's silence instead."

What does this mean to you? How does one listen to silence?

Honestly, it's one of my favorite challenges to offer up to people. Listen in the quiet places of your heart, what do you hear in the silence? It could almost be capitolized, a proper noun. Silence. God's Silence is often deeper and even more fulfilling than just regular silence. It's sort of like when you blind fold yourself and let your other sense tune in to compensate for the loss of one of the body's senses; when you sit in Silence, your mind, your soul, your Self begins to tune in to what you didn't realize was there. God's Silence. It's not Him ignoring us, it's not the spiritual cold shoulder, it's God challenging us to grow and encourages us to challenge ourselves to increase the depth of our own Faith.

So far in to Lent, stop and don't think.

Feel.

Listen to God's Silence.

~~~~~~~~
Oh, my God,
Please open my heart and strengthen me to grow in your Silence. Help me feel the presence of the Holy Spirit as It guides me closer to you. Let Jesus continue to stand beside me and walk with me, and may I always find my way back to Your path.
In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost,
~~Amen~~

Think, Think, Think...

2009-03-14T21:17:00.000-07:00

I haven't forgotten about you- I'm just hitting an inspirational, spiritual, emotional, personal writer's block.

When it comes down to it, I'm working on me, and that's a BLOCK in and of itself!

Lenten Blogging, Week 1.5

2009-03-04T10:25:00.001-08:00

So, I meant to get this started earlier, a weekly blog during the season of Lent... perhaps my Lenten commitment will be to stop procrastinating???

A pal from PLU posted a blog entry that's motivated me to start talking about Lent.

It was always hard, growing up Catholic, to find something to give up- I felt like I was punishing myself because of God. But our family priest put a fresh spin on the tradition, and challegened us to think of Lent as a time to better yourself for God, rather than making a sacrifice. Now, from a matured point of view, these things could be synonymous- but from a child's point of view, it made so much more sense! Don't punish yourself for 40 days by giving up coffee or chocolate, but make a change to better yourself...

Another friend of mine from PLU and I made a pact to give up negativty each Lenten season, and I still do- I have the little calendar page Becky gave me, with the verse on the back and everything! I actually laminated it, and it's in a safe place with all of my materials from PLU. (I'm going to go searching for that, now that I mention it!)

My thoughts for the moment- and my challenge to you 1.5 weeks into Lent- are to answer these questions: How have I failed myself? How can I prevent that from happening again?

That's all for now... break's over, back to work!

The Soul Aflame ~ Friday ~ Lauds

2009-02-04T13:57:00.000-08:00

(this is a very delayed post, but I feel like it needs to be posted too)

So many people gave me something or were something to me without knowing it....

I always thnk that we all live, spiritually, by what others have given us in the significant hours of our life. These significant hours do not announce themselves as coming but arrive unexpected.

We find ourselves in a new movement of thought. In a movement where, through science and through the searching of our hearts, everything has become mysterious. Science has led us from knowledge to knowledge but also from mystery to mystery. Mystery alone can lead us on to true spirituality, to accept and to be filled with the mystery of life in our existence.
-----
Albert Schweitzer ( Alsatian, 1875-1965)

The Soul Aflame ~ Thursday ~ Lauds

2008-12-11T05:28:00.000-08:00

It was the wind that gave them life,
It is the wind that comes out of our mouths now
that gives us life.
When this ceases to blow we die.
In the skin of our fingers we can see the trail of the wind;
it shows us where the wind blew when our ancestors were created.
--
Washington Matthews (American, 19th Century)

The Soul Aflame ~ Wednesday ~ Lauds

2008-12-10T05:54:00.000-08:00

My soul is an enchanted boat
Which, like a sleeping swan, doth float
Upon the silver waves of thy sweet singing;
And thine doth like an angel sit
Beside a helm conducting it,
Whilst all the winds with melody are ringing,
It seems to float ever, for ever,
Upon that many-winding river,
Between mountains, woods, abyssses,
A paradise of wildernesses!
Till, like one in slumber bound,
Bourne to the ocean, I float down, around,
Into a sea profound, of ever spreading sound...
--
Percy Bysshe Shelley (English, 1792-1822)

The Soul Aflame ~ Tuesday ~ Lauds

2008-12-09T22:42:00.000-08:00

I think over again my small adventures,
My fears,
Those small ones that seemed so big,
For all the vital things
I had to get and to reach;
And yet there is only one great thing,
The only thing,
To live to see the great day that dawns
And the light that fills the world.
--
Anonymous, 19th Century
--

The Soul Aflame ~ Monday ~ Lauds

2008-12-08T20:37:00.000-08:00

I don't want to be the only one here
Telling all the secrets --

Filling up all the bowls at this party,
Taking all the laughs.

I would like you
To start putting things on the table
That can also feed the soul
The way I do.
That way
We can invite
A hell of a lot more
Friends.

--
Shams-Ud-Din Muhammad Hafiz (Persian c. 1320-1389, version by Daniel Landinsky)
--

The Soul Aflame ~ Sunday ~ Lauds

2008-12-07T14:50:00.000-08:00

"Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting;
The Soul that riseth with us, our life's Star,
Hath had elsewhere its setting,
And rises from afar.
Not in entire firgetfulness,
And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing coulds of glory do we come
From God, who is our home:
Heaven lies about us in our infancy!...

O joy! that in our embers
Is something that doth live,
That nature yet remembers
What was so fugitive...

Hence in a season of calm weather
Though inland far we be
Our souls have sight of that immortal sea
Which brought us hither,
Can in a moment travel thither,
And see the children sport upon the shower,
And hear the mighty waters rolling evermore."
--
William Wordsworth, England (1770-1850)
--

This is the first entry in the book The Soul Aflame, a modern book of hours. I have often tried to meditate on this collection of poems and quotations, insights into the wisdom of ages collected in this book. Sometimes it takes me a little while to wrap my mind around the underlying works in the pages of this book.

I open the conversation up to you...

Where is My Faith These Days?

2008-12-06T17:03:00.000-08:00

This is a good question...

The answer? I'm not sure. Last night I was trying to describe where my faith is, and I couldn't- the best way to say it is that it's on a whole different level than anyone I know, for reasons that I'm not going to get into right now... I'm not practicing any tradition right now, I still define myself as Christian-Catholic, but the thought of setting foot in a Catholic church right now is something I don't even want to think about. Why? Because it means accessing so much that I've kept bottled up inside, so much that I've journaled about but haven't actually "let out".

How can I heal myself? Answer- I can't, my faith in God is what has to heal me. And so the question comes 'round again, where IS my faith these days? I know that I have a long way to go, but I know that I've been there before, and I think the big part of being okay with it again is realizing (just now) that I won't be able to get back to that place- I'm different now, my experiences have deepend who I am, and so I need to be looking forward, not back.

So where am I looking to:
The future? No, this is much bigger than that.
The heavens? No, it's more real, more attainable than that.
The Church? For guidance, perhaps, but not yet.
My Self? Yes, but not entirely...
My heart. This is where the answers lie, right now. This is where the Spirit dwells. This is where Love is.

Sorry this is sort of scrambled, I'm typing as my mind is thinking, no form or flow... perhaps I'll revise it later, or perhaps I'll leave it raw.

My challenge to you, define where your faith is. Can you? If not, try to map out the path you will need to follow to find your faith. I'll walk with you, for we're all on the same journey.

A Soul Cries Out...

2008-09-06T20:26:00.000-07:00

I have so much pain in my soul, I don't know where to begin, and so I pray- a raw, passionate plea.

Lord,

I have been selfish in turning away from the gifts of vision, insight, and compassion that you grant me. Please forgive me, Lord, Father, Jesus, Spirit, Mind, Body, and Soul. I am yours again. Use me to reach people and heal people. I am placing my life in your hands and once again am trusting in your will. Please use me, guide me, help to become a guiding light for others on their journey towards finding your truth. I am so sorry, Lord, for pulling away and choosing to ignore you. Please, please forgive me. Please, please, please heal my heart, my soul, and help me to find the strength in you to witness to others again.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost

Amen.

I truely believe that I am an ordinary person set to live an extraordinary life... but who am I anymore? I don't know that I can answer that, I don't know that I know. My friends who know me do not know all of me. They know the injured, the broken, the scarred and the never-quite-healed Melinda. This is why I have been yearning for the friendships I had while I was at PLU. I was a whole person then, a magnificent, growing, knowledge-thirsty woman of God with undying Faith, who withstood and overcame constant struggles, and a person full of Grace and God's Love. I held nothing back, I hid nothing from anyone, and I was happy. I sang, I worshiped, I prayed- many times a day... but what happened? Where did that person go? And who have I become?!

Too many people died, and I felt their family's pain. Too many times I knew how bad their souls were hurting, and every time I helped them, every time I used that "gift" of compassion and embraced the idea of empathically connecting to heal their pain, I lost a little of my own strength, the emotions of others, the intensity to which I surrendered my heart to heal theirs was so much... words cannot begin to describe... And when I would reach out to others who swore they were with me in Christ, that they could help me discern everything I was experiencing, it was too heavy for them. (I realized now that perhaps it's because this is my gift to bear- not a burden, not a cross, but a gift, and that I must learn to find that strength to renew my very own Spirit in God Himself, God Herself.) By me sharing, turning to my friends for help only pushed them away- or scared them and I pushed myself away. This left me to grieve- not only the loss of so many dear and cherished lives around me, but the loss of what had been professed as undying friendships. I found that I was no longer able to trust in God, I was afraid that He would leave me standing raw, bewildered, broken and alone as my friends in Christ had done.

That fear, once it sunk its teeth into my bleeding heart, was a parasite that drained and depressed me. It alienated me from my friends, my family, and all that I loved. I no longer sing in worship. I rarely truely pray. And, perhaps the saddest fact, I have not opened myself or my heart, I have not allowed myself to get even remotely close to having a vision or using the God-given gifts to help anyone. I have turned myself 3/4 away from God. I didn't shut the door or turn my back completely, but I have been damn-near close.

I am slowly turning back to that door, and have been gingerly pushing it open again. Much to my mind's surprise, and my heart's content, there is little resistance from God- DUH! I find myself- my SELF- hesitating, and am recognizing that it is my own fear that holds me back, the fear of actually letting go and falling- blindly, with trust- into God again.

Tonight, for the very first time that I can EVER remember, I made the choice to deny myself Holy Communion. It's something that is sacred, and as a Catholic, the belief in my Faith makes it so. No, I don't believe that I'm a canibal eating human flesh and drinking blood, but I do believe that my soul needs to be in a more natural and healthy relationship with Christ again before I can genuinely feel the miracle of the Host. Instead, I prayed- really prayed- for the first time in 5 years, and I wept. Silent tears, so as not to draw the attention of anyone in the congregation, poured down my face, soaking my shirt, and cleansing my being. They were not only my tears, but God's tears- for Jesus wept too... the shortest verse in the bible, "Jesus wept." He cried for the pain I put upon myself by isolating myself. He cried for joy that I was finally coming home, that I was finally trusting him again, realizing that he is my friend, my brother, my guide, the one and only.

Today, as everyone else sang and worshiped and shared Holy Communion, Jesus and I wept together, and the Holy Spirit took my hand, and together we are starting a journey back to the path I am meant to be on.

Ok, Here We Go...

2008-08-18T21:27:00.000-07:00

The much anticipated blog is here!

"Being In-Tune with Your World"

So- I've recently moved to a new apt, in an old (and allegedly haunted) building. Since it's my first time without a roommate, I fall asleep listening to different movies- the movie of the week, Failure to Launch. There's one part where Tripp's friends tell him that he's not in tune with the universe, that Nature's lashing out at him. While I don't think that Nature actually lashes out at anyone, I do think that we have a harder time when we are not in tune with OUR world, our habitat.

Having the preasure of needing to be in tune with the world is completely overwhelming and almost intimidating for me! In all honesty, I've been terrified to go to church for the last year or so and yet yearning for it- the dissonance has been driving me nuts. Now, while I'm not sure I'm ready to head back to God, I do feel like I'm taking baby steps closer and closer to being in tune with MY world. My first step was living in the condo last year with Dana (and then Rick), the second step was moving into my own place, with only myself to take care of, and only myself to blame if something didn't go right. The third step was taking the train to work- not having to drive every day was so liberating!!! And yet, something was missing...

And then I started walking to the Link, taking that to the train, and then walking to work from the train station. (reverse that in the afternoons) Walking to work, watching the sunrise over the water, smelling the salt on the air, listening to the sounds of Tacoma waking up. I smile and give a silent greeting to the few homeless people I walk by on my way to the Link, and just as I approach the Spanish Steps, 1916 (Haven't found the story behind those yet) I see the water. I love the water- I'm sure I've mentioned it before! I listen to my Zune, I knit or read a book, and I let the city show itself to me, fold by fold, street corner by street corner, person by person.

There is a sense of harmoneous "OM" that I'm feeling starting to come over me... part of me relishes in it, part of me is in awe, and part of me fears it like the plague, just waiting for something to blow up. But really, it's ok to trust in all that is good... right? RIGHT!

Now, I'm not writing music or drawing or painting just yet, that will all come back in time, I think there's still more internal work that needs to be done, but this is a HUGE step.

So now I'd like to challenge you to take steps in the direction of being in tune with YOUR world! You may be pretty darned close to there, or you may not be... if you need to, please feel free to talk to me- we can help each other.

I know, I know, it's kind of touchy-feely, but whatever. You all love me and you know it, otherwise you wouldn't be reading my blog.

Where Do You Find Peace?

2008-05-07T17:56:00.000-07:00

For me, it is the water.
(more to come, soon!!!)
---------------------------
Somehow I've lost a piece of me, and I long to go back to the water; Lake Crescent, with the Confirmande and the Prayer Chapel that overlooks the lake. No technology, no phones, no other people, just a space to listen to silence, listen to my soul, and pray. Earlier today I'd described it as a Q & A with God...

Once again, more to come soon...

The Cross - 02/11/2008

2008-02-12T20:00:00.000-08:00

You are here to console, not so much to be consoled.

(when the Little Monk was drowning in a sea of melancholy)

Life: What a Day.

Above is a link to a blog I wrote last week, and what a blog it was... the Little Monk inspiration today makes me think of the events of that day; it also makes me recall the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi. It seems like, over time, I am called to be there for others. And it's not that there's nobody there for me when I need it, but usually- when it gets to a point where I need someone- whatever is going on in my life is too intense for anyone to process... My priest calls me a modern mystic, in a sense, being able to feel the Spirit, to channel people's needs the way that I do, to be able to identify with their emotions the way that I do.

At first it scared me. What does it mean, to be a "modern mystic"? To be able to see visions, to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit, to know when a person's soul is crying out before they even know that their soul is crying out... who am I to be so special, so "special" that God feels I need to be a part of this??? I have a lot of books that I've been reading, but they're intimidating, all these men and women who had these awesome and amazing experiences... sometimes it seems like too much, but lately I've felt that I have the strength to open myself up to help God.

I'll keep you posted.

...from the apprentice years of the Little Monk... 03/22/07

2008-02-10T19:26:00.000-08:00

I. You are always on call

(when the little monk didn’t want to be inconvenienced)

Such a simple phrase, so much meaning! While most of society hasn't taken the vows of the Little Monk, and have not voluntarily said they would always be on call, I think that it still applies- we are always on call, there's always someone who will see your actions or hear your words, always someone who's life you will impact whether or not that was your intention, just as there is someone who will do or say something without even thinking about the repercussions it might have in your life.

Everyone that I do and don’t meet has an impact on my life, who I am, where I’ve come from, and where I’m going. They might not know that their very presence- or lack of- helps to shape my being.

Who has shaped you? Who have you shaped?

II. Better to pray for others than to judge them

(When the little monk’s nerves were being tested)

As important as it is to understand what you're doing, I think it's also important to understand the why and the how of it, and be genuine in these answers. The college experience comes to mind, for me. I went to a private, religious school, and there were numerous faith-based groups on campus, some of them very vocal and boisterous about preaching their beliefs to the student body, at any expense. This caused a lot of controversy on campus, especially when one of the groups began to pray for the souls of students outside of their dorm rooms because they "lived in sin".

Let's take a look-

WHAT: praying (publicly forcing others to be exposed to their beliefs)
WHY: because it went against what their religion preached (the students felt it was their job to judge the "sinner's" soul and save it)
HOW: passively protesting (and alienating the students who did not choose a lifestyle that fit their "rules")

These students felt they were being good Christians, showing everyone that they were strong and secure in their beliefs, hoping to bring more people to their belief system.

To someone questioning their faith, their beliefs, how did these "prayerful students" witness to the community? They alienated those who were different, they passed judgment without understanding, and they flat-out hurt a lot of people. As an outsider, why would you want to be involved with that kind of community? They let their need to make a statement tarnish their intent. As it is, they created more of a rift between the communities, students felt the need to either keep their “self” a secret or to come back strong and choose sides, resulting in very hurtful and hateful events.

People, protestors, pastors- they all say “love the sinner, hate the sin.”

I say “love the sinner, accept the sin” because it’s not our place to judge. Hate is a strong word, and if the “sin” is just as much a part of the person as their left arm, how can you separate that?

Prayer - 03/21/2007

2008-02-05T19:21:00.000-08:00

When you go to the ends of the earth, you will find traces of God; if you go to the depths of your soul, you will find God Himself. (When the little monk dreamt of finding God)

I wrote a poem for a Spanish Speak-Off in high school (actually took first place with it):

Busco por mi alma,pero mi alma no buscaría.
Busco por mi Dios,pero mi Dios me eludío.
Busco por un amigo,y entonces descubré todos a tres.

I looked for my soul, but my soul I could not see.
I looked for my God, but my God eluded me. I
looked for a friend, and then I found all three.

It's amazing how inter-connected these things are - Soul, God, a Friend in your Self - and I think that today's blog can directly intertwine with yesterday's topic. How often have you really, truely looked into the very depths of your soul? It can take as little as 5 minutes of calm, where you hear nothing but your heart beating; tune everything else out, and just see WHO you are....
I haven't done this for quite some time- it means listening to the silence, and for me that's still a place I'm not ready to go alone. Once again, afraid of the weakness, I have pushed away my "self", and I have pushed away my God. Not to say that they are synonymous, by any means! I just mean that they go hand in hand, for me. Even when I have doubted the existence of a God, even when I have felt that life is one big cosmic joke, there has always been a bit of faith that remains lit, deep inside. That faith helps bring me back and allows me to see that I am not alone, for in the depths of my soul, I find God was there the whole time.

Find a place at the "ends of the earth" where you can go to search. I turn to the water- a bath, a pool, a creek, a river, a lake, the ocean- there's something about the water that calms my soul and helps me listen to the silence, helps me to find God Himself- or Herself, depending on the day.

Where is your "end of the earth"?

Silence - 03/20/2007

2008-02-05T11:27:00.001-08:00

Rather than trying to keep quiet, listen. (when the little monk had something interesting to say)

In my building here at work, we have speakers in the rafters that put out "white noise" to help us focus... and I have my radio on, and my fan at my desk, and am usually tapping my foot or clicking my pen or making some other sort of noise- swearing that it helps me focus on what the client is saying.

I've come to find there is a fine line between the balance of noise-to-focus and actually spinning out of control.

What's so scary about silence?

For me, I've found, at times, that being alone in my head can be terrifying, although usually it's not so bad. It's a place to find healing, to work through the day's events, and to prepare for what might be lying ahead. It's most often where I hear my faith ring true. So why am I so afraid? Silence scares me because it makes me feel weak. There's a verse somewhere in the bible that I've heard TOO many times- in our weakness He finds strength, or something like that. That's a hard concept to grasp, blind faith, especially if you're questioning your faith, your beliefs, and your support system that you always thought was there doesn't feel as strong as it used to be...

These are the times when it's most healing to listen to the silence.

The image comes to mind of a jar full of odd and randomly shaped rocks. At first you can see spaces in the jar, and so you add more rocks, smaller rocks, even sand. The jar's going to be heavier when it's filled like that, it's going to be harder to carry, and it will wear you out fast.

Sometimes that space is ok.

Silence is not easy to listen to, and sometimes it can be more difficult to listen to what we hear in the silence, but I challenge you to try it.

The Cross - 03/19/2007

2008-02-05T11:17:00.000-08:00

When you weep for others, are you certain you're not weeping for yourself? (on a day of anxiety)

My grandmother is dying. She is in her early 80's, has severe depression, and is now the sweetest, simplest, shadow of the Italian Spit-fire she once was. These last two years have been quite a tale, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. Her most recent stay in the hospital has been the most dramatic so far.

Her liver count is off, her kidneys are shutting down, and she has a huge blood clot in her thigh. It started last Thursday, and after being in the emergency room for 7 hours they said the beds were full and they sent her home. The next day her doctor called and said to get her in asap, that she should have been admitted no matter what. So... back to the hospital she went.

At some point in time, all of us cried. Raffaela Lina (Donzeli) Mitchell is my mom's mom, she's been my dad's mother in-law for 30-some years, and she's been "Nonna" to my brothers and myself all our lives... but I don't think that any of us cried for the loss of what could have been if she was healthy... we've been watching her die a little more every day. This time around, I think we've cried for ourselves. Perhaps Dad hasn't cried yet, but you can see it in his eyes. His mother was killed in a car accident last January, and Lina's the last link to that era for us. My mom had her breakdown over the weekend, just before we brought Nonna back home. I don't know that I have cried for me just yet, but I know I will.

I've been able to identify that my guilt comes from what I've been looking forward to doing after she passes away. For the last two years I have not been able to work overtime, I have not been able to go swing dancing on a regular basis, and I have been living back home with my parents to help them. Will I be able to rejoyce in participating in the things I love, working and earning a few extra bucks, and look forward to a place of my own? I didn't think so, at first. But then I remembered... Lina Mitchell was the very image of an Italian beauty, a lively and vital woman who sang and danced and survived her way through WWII and Nazi occupation, raised 5 wonderful children after her husband left them on a farm in Joyce WA, became an "American-a Citizen" after being a contributing member of society for 40-some years. Up until last August, she still let me lead her around the kitchen, tried to Charleston when I played my swing tunes, and knew every word to Torna Surriento, O Sole Mio, and every song Dean Martin ever sang. These are the things I'm going to remember, and I am going to celebrate in her life. The tears you will soon see- that might spontaneously trickle down my cheek- are tears of joy more than anything else.

When you cry with someone, are you crying for them, or are you crying for yourself? Either way, it's ok to cry.

The Little Monk

2008-02-05T06:26:00.001-08:00

Ok- So, a few of these blogs that I will be posting are old, I'm re-posting them from my VIRB blog because I think they need to be shared... The insipiration comes from the book "The Little Monk", and this is a copy-paste of the first blog.

I really feel like I can identify with the author on this one- the love of her life left her for the church... This is a collection of her aphorisms that I plan on using to inspire musings to share with you all and help me process and cope with the curve balls that life's throwing lately. Please, feel free to comment and contribute!

Love and prayers